There is so much to be fixed. While I am constantly repairing, or rather, attempting to repair, that which I perceive to be broken, the pieces do not seem to bind. Sometimes they do, but their fragile nature renders them highly susceptible to repeated breakage, very often caused by the unstable kaleidoscope of emotions. Within that cylindrical container that holds its own tiny world of colourful possibilities, there is, I reckon, a constant struggle in attempting to keep the colours in check. It is not that I do not try, but sometimes trying can be so easily over-ridden by the want to let the colours take their own swing and to draw the image that would be viewed - even if the colours stem from such triviality and immaturely nonsensical thoughts. Indulgence may bring sweet pleasure but in certain circumstances, indulgence brings one back to where they started from - a jumble of broken pieces, mended again and again. It is a monotonous cycle of reparation and breakage, catalysed by the weakness of my feeble mind.
But a feeble mind and a foolishly delicate heart cannot be the master of my self. To dwell within the nooks and crannies of self-indulgence is pathetic.
To the Higher One above,
A constant heart, that which is sought,
For tire have I, in indulgence, been caught.
Your guidance and light, I pray is brought,
Feebleness be taken, I ask, from the good lot.
Repairing.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
Circle of Confusion
I try to put forth who I wish to be and who I think I am in front of other people, in my relationships, in my communication, in every other social situation. In a way, sometimes the person I am in the eyes and understanding of another individual is not who I genuinely am. And by trying to be who I want to be, I am also conditioning myself to think and accept that who I want to be is who I am. I suppose it is an unconscious process. I say unconscious because at times it takes reflection and retrospection to realise that I actually was not entirely comfortable being that person I was. And when I am not comfortable, it could very possibly mean that I was being someone I actually am not. Perhaps that is a rather superficial way of perceiving self-identity but I will digress on this matter. Simply because I am still learning.
The irony is, by being what I wish and think I am (which means not being entirely me), I have also unconsciously showed parts of myself which I intended to hide, by portraying myself as the person I desire and reckon to be. So this portrayal of identity that I adopt really is a circle within which I fumble around in search of myself. And because I have not given myself liberty from that circle, I wonder how many people that I have come to know and become acquainted with have been pulled along into my own confusion of who I truly am. I was confronted by one today and to be absolutely frank, it gave me a heavy heart. Not because of the unconscious unveiling of a layer of me that I had rather left masked, but because of the fact that I have unconsciously betrayed the expectations of an individual. I was trying to be a friend that I want to be, but in the end, I became an acquaintance who did not understand enough, who showed her true colours. And to think that I have left an impression of such nature, it just loads my heart with guilt, dissatisfaction, and disappointment - heavy heart.
P.S Thanks to a talented pair of strangers (whom I have only got to know) who made wonderful music together at an unexpected time and place, the weight of my heart was taken off a little. The absolute wonders of music.
There is so much more I need to pay attention to.
There is so much more for me to learn.
There is so much more for me to discover, and that includes who the genuine me really is.
Always learning.
The irony is, by being what I wish and think I am (which means not being entirely me), I have also unconsciously showed parts of myself which I intended to hide, by portraying myself as the person I desire and reckon to be. So this portrayal of identity that I adopt really is a circle within which I fumble around in search of myself. And because I have not given myself liberty from that circle, I wonder how many people that I have come to know and become acquainted with have been pulled along into my own confusion of who I truly am. I was confronted by one today and to be absolutely frank, it gave me a heavy heart. Not because of the unconscious unveiling of a layer of me that I had rather left masked, but because of the fact that I have unconsciously betrayed the expectations of an individual. I was trying to be a friend that I want to be, but in the end, I became an acquaintance who did not understand enough, who showed her true colours. And to think that I have left an impression of such nature, it just loads my heart with guilt, dissatisfaction, and disappointment - heavy heart.
P.S Thanks to a talented pair of strangers (whom I have only got to know) who made wonderful music together at an unexpected time and place, the weight of my heart was taken off a little. The absolute wonders of music.
There is so much more I need to pay attention to.
There is so much more for me to learn.
There is so much more for me to discover, and that includes who the genuine me really is.
Always learning.
Friday, February 18, 2011
1 Metre Square Expansion & More to Come
Thank Tank
Entry #3
I am so grateful for friends who are so accommodating, so witty, and so spontaneously hilarious. I would love to say more about them but I have only recently started to spend more quality time with them so I am still learning about them, gradually discovering each of their unique awesomeness.
For that change, or rather, addition, to the "hang out group" to happen, I extend my thankfulness to the natural flow of life's everything. There was no planning, no rehearsed conversation starters, no getting-to-know-you sessions. This large circle of friends was based solely on spontaneous thoughts, decisions, and actions. And it is an extremely beautiful thing because it is such a comfortable process of building a friendship.
And because of the way life's daily happenings move in such a fluid way and because these individuals that I have only begun to know are such amazing people, it has allowed me to step out of my comfort zone. Small steps may intimidate a little, but big steps evoke an uneasy feeling, tempting me to concoct excuses so I can stay safe and comfortable within the self-set limitations of all the awesome things that I can actually do to learn to embrace life more, to be more appreciative of the existence of the people I have in my life, to love more. It was just a basketball game, but that brief two hours somehow liberated part of me from my comfort zone then, extending its perimeters, enlarging the scope of "things that I am comfortable with". Basketball is a sport that I do not know how to play (just as every other game-sport there is) and the thought of playing it with my friends gave me the butterflies because I was then deciding if I were to stay cocooned or to take a peek into a refreshed way of living. At that point of time, the fluid of life took control and helped me into deciding on the latter. And I cannot be more thankful because those two hours of running, catching, passing, attempting to score, and most importantly, laughing and really just having bucket loads of fun, was wonderfully liberating.
If there is anything I have learned, it is these two things.
1. Friends are not determined by who we want, how we want them to be, and when we want them. They just come along into our lives anytime, anywhere, and anyhow and touch our hearts with their amazing qualities and their awesomeness.
2. Comfort zones are OK. They do not symbolise weakness, they are just a boundary set by humans due to their natural tendency and need to feel at ease. But the perimeters of our comfort zones are open to be flexed anytime, anywhere, anyhow, by anyone. Allowing people and experiences to positively enlarge our comfort zones is a beautiful way to get to know ourselves better, to expand our horizons. Just as precious as that is to be able to intertwine our life stories with amazing friends and awesome experiences.
Cheers to my awesome friends and the ever-reliable natural flow of life's everything!
Entry #3
I am so grateful for friends who are so accommodating, so witty, and so spontaneously hilarious. I would love to say more about them but I have only recently started to spend more quality time with them so I am still learning about them, gradually discovering each of their unique awesomeness.
For that change, or rather, addition, to the "hang out group" to happen, I extend my thankfulness to the natural flow of life's everything. There was no planning, no rehearsed conversation starters, no getting-to-know-you sessions. This large circle of friends was based solely on spontaneous thoughts, decisions, and actions. And it is an extremely beautiful thing because it is such a comfortable process of building a friendship.
And because of the way life's daily happenings move in such a fluid way and because these individuals that I have only begun to know are such amazing people, it has allowed me to step out of my comfort zone. Small steps may intimidate a little, but big steps evoke an uneasy feeling, tempting me to concoct excuses so I can stay safe and comfortable within the self-set limitations of all the awesome things that I can actually do to learn to embrace life more, to be more appreciative of the existence of the people I have in my life, to love more. It was just a basketball game, but that brief two hours somehow liberated part of me from my comfort zone then, extending its perimeters, enlarging the scope of "things that I am comfortable with". Basketball is a sport that I do not know how to play (just as every other game-sport there is) and the thought of playing it with my friends gave me the butterflies because I was then deciding if I were to stay cocooned or to take a peek into a refreshed way of living. At that point of time, the fluid of life took control and helped me into deciding on the latter. And I cannot be more thankful because those two hours of running, catching, passing, attempting to score, and most importantly, laughing and really just having bucket loads of fun, was wonderfully liberating.
If there is anything I have learned, it is these two things.
1. Friends are not determined by who we want, how we want them to be, and when we want them. They just come along into our lives anytime, anywhere, and anyhow and touch our hearts with their amazing qualities and their awesomeness.
2. Comfort zones are OK. They do not symbolise weakness, they are just a boundary set by humans due to their natural tendency and need to feel at ease. But the perimeters of our comfort zones are open to be flexed anytime, anywhere, anyhow, by anyone. Allowing people and experiences to positively enlarge our comfort zones is a beautiful way to get to know ourselves better, to expand our horizons. Just as precious as that is to be able to intertwine our life stories with amazing friends and awesome experiences.
Cheers to my awesome friends and the ever-reliable natural flow of life's everything!
Sunday, February 13, 2011
You Want Me, You Want Me Not
It can be rather annoying when one wishes to be in the midst of certain people and to involve oneself in their lives (even if it is only of the slightest importance), but regardless of whatever effort that is put into realising that wish, one just seems and feels so detached. At times like this, I ask myself a question I wonder if I should ask myself - "What have I done or not done?"
Detachment, I found, can be part of a healing process. It allows us to move away from our blind spot to see the bigger picture. It gives us the space and time to repair ourselves, or rather, to realign our attitude and behaviour with that which is truly ours. More often than not, I find myself becoming a person I am not as daily experiences mould me. The focus here is not about positive or negative changes, but about the permanence of change. And here is where I have an issue. Some changes that occur within me are temporary, very easily eliminated by time and overlapping experiences. These temporary changes often leave me feeling as if I have lived with a self-concocted behaviour, in unintended hypocrisy. When I finally realise the existence of an unreal me, I look for detachment. I look for a new watching position so I can watch where the unreal me had stood and what the unreal me had done. Sometimes detachment breezes through the undoing process, sometimes it inches through. Regardless of the speed it takes, I usually come out feeling more authentic and more comfortable with the person I am.
There is, however, if decided upon, a follow-up to detachment - reconnecting. The truth is, the people and experiences which moulded me into the person I was not at ease with are not at fault. Not at all. But by detaching I also detach from those people, those experiences. And as I have undone the temporary changes within me, I also learn that connections should not be left undone. So I make attempts to reconnect. To be absolutely frank, I am still learning to reconnect. I suppose just as detachment is, reconnecting can be a quick easy fix or a long arduous process of mixed emotions. I also suppose that reconnecting can be a risky step to take because the detachment process may reverse. But I am still learning, and I have yet to know. As I attempt to reconnect, I find myself outside a circle that was already formed before I felt comfortable enough to graduate from detachment. At this moment, the thought of trying to get into or back into the circle is almost like presenting myself as a familiar intruder. And hence I ask myself, "What have I done or not done?" What have I done/not done to be completely out of the circle? What have I done/not done to not be able to be in the circle? And the situation can be annoying, perhaps because I have yet to find an answer to the question, perhaps because to feel on the outside of things when I wish I could be on the inside and when I feel comfortable enough with myself to be on the inside, is disappointing.
Do I regret detaching then? No, definitely not. If anything, it is detachment that gave me the courage to reconnect. May not be a smooth ride but really, is anything ever? And should they be?
Detachment, I found, can be part of a healing process. It allows us to move away from our blind spot to see the bigger picture. It gives us the space and time to repair ourselves, or rather, to realign our attitude and behaviour with that which is truly ours. More often than not, I find myself becoming a person I am not as daily experiences mould me. The focus here is not about positive or negative changes, but about the permanence of change. And here is where I have an issue. Some changes that occur within me are temporary, very easily eliminated by time and overlapping experiences. These temporary changes often leave me feeling as if I have lived with a self-concocted behaviour, in unintended hypocrisy. When I finally realise the existence of an unreal me, I look for detachment. I look for a new watching position so I can watch where the unreal me had stood and what the unreal me had done. Sometimes detachment breezes through the undoing process, sometimes it inches through. Regardless of the speed it takes, I usually come out feeling more authentic and more comfortable with the person I am.
There is, however, if decided upon, a follow-up to detachment - reconnecting. The truth is, the people and experiences which moulded me into the person I was not at ease with are not at fault. Not at all. But by detaching I also detach from those people, those experiences. And as I have undone the temporary changes within me, I also learn that connections should not be left undone. So I make attempts to reconnect. To be absolutely frank, I am still learning to reconnect. I suppose just as detachment is, reconnecting can be a quick easy fix or a long arduous process of mixed emotions. I also suppose that reconnecting can be a risky step to take because the detachment process may reverse. But I am still learning, and I have yet to know. As I attempt to reconnect, I find myself outside a circle that was already formed before I felt comfortable enough to graduate from detachment. At this moment, the thought of trying to get into or back into the circle is almost like presenting myself as a familiar intruder. And hence I ask myself, "What have I done or not done?" What have I done/not done to be completely out of the circle? What have I done/not done to not be able to be in the circle? And the situation can be annoying, perhaps because I have yet to find an answer to the question, perhaps because to feel on the outside of things when I wish I could be on the inside and when I feel comfortable enough with myself to be on the inside, is disappointing.
Do I regret detaching then? No, definitely not. If anything, it is detachment that gave me the courage to reconnect. May not be a smooth ride but really, is anything ever? And should they be?
Monday, January 31, 2011
Stepping Back
"...I resolve to post daily, or close to daily, about everything that I am thankful for." - January 14th, 2011-
Let's tweak that sentence a little.
I resolve to always remind myself to be grateful for being able to experience emotions, favourable or unfavourable, pleasurable or painful.
And I shall post whenever and whatever emotions lead me to post.
Perhaps by doing so, I am breaking a promise I made to myself. But I have to say, I had rather break a promise now than to keep empty promises to a time when I would break them anyway. And I said I would break them anyway because the truth is, there are times when I feel bitter that I cannot find in myself the space for thankfulness. I came to realise that I do not yet have the maturity to be able to feel truly and completely thankful regardless of situations and circumstances. At this point of time in my life, I am still learning to not be bitter, a negative feeling that I still get when things do not go the way I would like them to. Before I can transform all that bitterness into acceptance, to strive to be grateful despite the lemons life hands me is merely a fake effort, false gratitude, because I am leaping even before I can walk steady. And having false gratitude is an extremely sorry state to be in because I am achieving nothing but self-deception.
Perhaps a better thing to do is to not try to reach too far beyond at a premature time. By doing so, I may catch hold of my supposed goal but the over-extending stretch that I push myself to make in order to reach that goal could very easily turn the experience into one that is only painful. Worse, the pain may be so overwhelming that my vision may be blurred and I may end up reaching for the wrong side of the goal.
Therefore, I will allow my emotions to take the ride it wants. As the ride makes its stops, turns, rises, and falls, it will remind me that it is the very proof that I am living and still learning. This ride will bring me on a travel no earthly places can offer, and I would, hopefully, grow with the ride, and undergo natural adjustments to my emotions and my grasp on constant gratitude.
I have learned to be more thankful now than I have ever been, and that is why I am able to conceive of the possibility that I am taking too big a step. While I am still offering my daily gratitude, heightening my senses to the abundance of awesomeness that is around me, I am also learning to deal with my emotions.
Travelling on and learning.
Let's tweak that sentence a little.
I resolve to always remind myself to be grateful for being able to experience emotions, favourable or unfavourable, pleasurable or painful.
And I shall post whenever and whatever emotions lead me to post.
Perhaps by doing so, I am breaking a promise I made to myself. But I have to say, I had rather break a promise now than to keep empty promises to a time when I would break them anyway. And I said I would break them anyway because the truth is, there are times when I feel bitter that I cannot find in myself the space for thankfulness. I came to realise that I do not yet have the maturity to be able to feel truly and completely thankful regardless of situations and circumstances. At this point of time in my life, I am still learning to not be bitter, a negative feeling that I still get when things do not go the way I would like them to. Before I can transform all that bitterness into acceptance, to strive to be grateful despite the lemons life hands me is merely a fake effort, false gratitude, because I am leaping even before I can walk steady. And having false gratitude is an extremely sorry state to be in because I am achieving nothing but self-deception.
Perhaps a better thing to do is to not try to reach too far beyond at a premature time. By doing so, I may catch hold of my supposed goal but the over-extending stretch that I push myself to make in order to reach that goal could very easily turn the experience into one that is only painful. Worse, the pain may be so overwhelming that my vision may be blurred and I may end up reaching for the wrong side of the goal.
Therefore, I will allow my emotions to take the ride it wants. As the ride makes its stops, turns, rises, and falls, it will remind me that it is the very proof that I am living and still learning. This ride will bring me on a travel no earthly places can offer, and I would, hopefully, grow with the ride, and undergo natural adjustments to my emotions and my grasp on constant gratitude.
I have learned to be more thankful now than I have ever been, and that is why I am able to conceive of the possibility that I am taking too big a step. While I am still offering my daily gratitude, heightening my senses to the abundance of awesomeness that is around me, I am also learning to deal with my emotions.
Travelling on and learning.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Right Now
Thank Tank
Entry #2
I finished! This is not even the end of it, but already I am feeling so good. Liberated. Perhaps I will wake up tomorrow morning feeling just the same as I did this morning. But oh well. Today, I am thankful for a day spent well-focused. I am thankful for the motivation He provided so that I could finish five lectures in a day. And I am thankful for having friends who were just as excited about my "accomplishment" as I was.
Tomorrow will be a good day.
Entry #2
I finished! This is not even the end of it, but already I am feeling so good. Liberated. Perhaps I will wake up tomorrow morning feeling just the same as I did this morning. But oh well. Today, I am thankful for a day spent well-focused. I am thankful for the motivation He provided so that I could finish five lectures in a day. And I am thankful for having friends who were just as excited about my "accomplishment" as I was.
Tomorrow will be a good day.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Thank Tank: Forever in Creation
I have not been giving much attention to Gratitude lately. Before it becomes a mere word, a textual beautification, a verbal polish, I must realign my distorted version of gratitude with that of Gratitude - the true thankfulness. And to do that, I resolve to post daily, or close to daily, about everything that I am thankful for. All of which I would be expressing gratitude for would be put into a virtual bottomless container, serving as my personal:
Thank Tank
Entry #1
I am thankful for having experienced an "academic plunge" when I was in secondary school. Now I am able to comfortably accept moments of "did not do well/did rather badly". No more self-pity, more of "know it, accept it, and do something about it".
I am thankful for how the mind sometimes recalls things at random moments. Things that can encourage one to make decisions he or she never really thought of making. I made a decision and I made a tiny change. Tiny, but I feel good about it. (James Brown style!)
Thank Tank
Forever in creation.
Happy days!
Thank Tank
Entry #1
I am thankful for having experienced an "academic plunge" when I was in secondary school. Now I am able to comfortably accept moments of "did not do well/did rather badly". No more self-pity, more of "know it, accept it, and do something about it".
I am thankful for how the mind sometimes recalls things at random moments. Things that can encourage one to make decisions he or she never really thought of making. I made a decision and I made a tiny change. Tiny, but I feel good about it. (James Brown style!)
Thank Tank
Forever in creation.
Happy days!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
#1 on 11.1.2011
First post in year 2011 - a year which started off awesome, and which I know would continue to be so (because I resolve to create awesomeness, even from the most mundane of life routines).
Lots of love for my sister and her special one, for inviting me to tag along with them to a stroll in the city.
Gratitude to my friends who warmly took me in as part of their countdown outing (my first ever).
Bear hugs and kisses to my lovely daddy and mummy who completely crossed their boundaries to allow me to have a different and fun start to the new year. (Happy 30th Anniversary!)
Praise to the All Seeing, All Knowing, Always Creating One for providing me with the motivation that I need to "get things going" (I am still on ground Unsteady but I am working on it).
Thanks to a friend of mine who is always willing to keep me company, especially when I am bombarded with sudden pangs of loneliness.
Much appreciation for my friend with the beautiful eyes for taking such good care of my plant when I was away.
Shout out to the cleaners who left a very meaningful note under the door of my friend's room.
Thanks to her for showing me how to make anyone feel like "a hundred dollars" (I quote Oskar from "Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close" by Jonathan Safran Foer).
I have an abundance of beautiful, amazing individuals and life happenings to be thankful for, and this is balanced by the abundance of beautiful, amazing things that I can create and learn from in this fresh new year.
What I have learned so far from the beginning of 2011:
* I have the power and strength to break away from my own habits or tendencies.
* I can do so much more to make the people around me feel more appreciated.
* I can feel free to expect more than what I set my expectations to be. Because anything is possible.
* Hold on dearly to family and friends. They are the ones who make life more awesome than it already is.
You, I, Life, Mother Earth.
Awesomeness in the making.
Lots of love for my sister and her special one, for inviting me to tag along with them to a stroll in the city.
Gratitude to my friends who warmly took me in as part of their countdown outing (my first ever).
Bear hugs and kisses to my lovely daddy and mummy who completely crossed their boundaries to allow me to have a different and fun start to the new year. (Happy 30th Anniversary!)
Praise to the All Seeing, All Knowing, Always Creating One for providing me with the motivation that I need to "get things going" (I am still on ground Unsteady but I am working on it).
Thanks to a friend of mine who is always willing to keep me company, especially when I am bombarded with sudden pangs of loneliness.
Much appreciation for my friend with the beautiful eyes for taking such good care of my plant when I was away.
Shout out to the cleaners who left a very meaningful note under the door of my friend's room.
Thanks to her for showing me how to make anyone feel like "a hundred dollars" (I quote Oskar from "Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close" by Jonathan Safran Foer).
I have an abundance of beautiful, amazing individuals and life happenings to be thankful for, and this is balanced by the abundance of beautiful, amazing things that I can create and learn from in this fresh new year.
What I have learned so far from the beginning of 2011:
* I have the power and strength to break away from my own habits or tendencies.
* I can do so much more to make the people around me feel more appreciated.
* I can feel free to expect more than what I set my expectations to be. Because anything is possible.
* Hold on dearly to family and friends. They are the ones who make life more awesome than it already is.
You, I, Life, Mother Earth.
Awesomeness in the making.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)