It did not rain today. Not yet, perhaps. But it did yesterday and the day before yesterday, which I, thankfully, took notice of and I managed to offer that well-deserved glance to the One with the Hand of Water. Thank you very much rainfall!
It has been raining pretty often lately, but it did not rain today. I wonder if that, by any chance, is a climatic enhancement to the emotional progression of my day. It may all be mere coincidence but somehow, it is a rather pleasing thought - the weather changes to complement my day. It is like being able to communicate with the Ones from Above and All Around.
Is life so wretched? Isn't it rather your hands which are too small, your vision which is muddled? You are the one who must grow up.
- Dag Hammarskjold
Self-pity has always been a part of my life and myself. As much as I know it is an unhealthy thought, let alone practice, I have never taken the first step to remove it. Simply because indulging in self-pity somehow brings comfort. Fake comfort.
Today, once again, I have committed that self-disintegrating practice. I have used the words "the accumulation of different things" as a reason to my tearing, but really, at the very basic of matters, it is self-pity. While I do take the full blame (very rightfully) for the goings-on in my life now, in a deceiving way, it is also a form of escapism from what IS happening, caused by the very choices and decisions of mine. In other words, I am using the truth to escape the truth. And I would keep going around in this entanglement of truths, up to a point when the tangle is too difficult to undo. I AM NOT LETTING THIS HAPPEN. It may be difficult to remove self-pity, something so naturally contained in every individual, but I think we all have a lesson to learn here - self-pity redraws us gradually into our nooks and corners of so-called "comfort" which are really dark pits of gloom in disguise. Escapism which leads to imprisonment.
By publishing this post, I am making a vow to myself - I must grow up. Waxing melancholic is really just a dramatisation of self-indulgence. Having trapped myself within the confines of self-pity for all these time, perhaps it is high time now to release myself from the tangle before I become a prisoner of myself.
It's not the load that breaks you down, it's the way you carry it.
- Lena Home
This is not another Dawn of Realisation but rather, an intended effort which has been dormant for too long and is now sparked by both the meeting of time and people.
And one of the Ones whom I must gratify for this illumination is my very dear Leavay. She may not realise the immensity of her actions but at times, a mere presence is all it takes to soothe and in this particular case, also to realise. Simple deeds make us learn.
Also to another two Ones, Geetha (or Heetha) and Esther (Elxy). They have nothing to do with today but somehow, they have always been an awesome sponge for absorbing my rants of self-pity. And to Mun Li, for having been so strong (So why shouldn't I?) as well as Pn. Ong and Pei Ling, simply for being concerned. This is difficult to say, but I cannot leave out Pn. Inthirani because if it was not for her, I would not have delved into self-pity anyway. Four other precious Ones are Pn. Raja, Pn. Manmeet, Pn. Tan and Pn. Judy. Also completely uninvolved but somehow, I know that I am doing this, to a certain extent, because of them and also for them. And for my family. And for all the Ones whom I know and am yet to know.
With gratitude and determination,
Untangling.
