Thank Tank
Entry #3
I am so grateful for friends who are so accommodating, so witty, and so spontaneously hilarious. I would love to say more about them but I have only recently started to spend more quality time with them so I am still learning about them, gradually discovering each of their unique awesomeness.
For that change, or rather, addition, to the "hang out group" to happen, I extend my thankfulness to the natural flow of life's everything. There was no planning, no rehearsed conversation starters, no getting-to-know-you sessions. This large circle of friends was based solely on spontaneous thoughts, decisions, and actions. And it is an extremely beautiful thing because it is such a comfortable process of building a friendship.
And because of the way life's daily happenings move in such a fluid way and because these individuals that I have only begun to know are such amazing people, it has allowed me to step out of my comfort zone. Small steps may intimidate a little, but big steps evoke an uneasy feeling, tempting me to concoct excuses so I can stay safe and comfortable within the self-set limitations of all the awesome things that I can actually do to learn to embrace life more, to be more appreciative of the existence of the people I have in my life, to love more. It was just a basketball game, but that brief two hours somehow liberated part of me from my comfort zone then, extending its perimeters, enlarging the scope of "things that I am comfortable with". Basketball is a sport that I do not know how to play (just as every other game-sport there is) and the thought of playing it with my friends gave me the butterflies because I was then deciding if I were to stay cocooned or to take a peek into a refreshed way of living. At that point of time, the fluid of life took control and helped me into deciding on the latter. And I cannot be more thankful because those two hours of running, catching, passing, attempting to score, and most importantly, laughing and really just having bucket loads of fun, was wonderfully liberating.
If there is anything I have learned, it is these two things.
1. Friends are not determined by who we want, how we want them to be, and when we want them. They just come along into our lives anytime, anywhere, and anyhow and touch our hearts with their amazing qualities and their awesomeness.
2. Comfort zones are OK. They do not symbolise weakness, they are just a boundary set by humans due to their natural tendency and need to feel at ease. But the perimeters of our comfort zones are open to be flexed anytime, anywhere, anyhow, by anyone. Allowing people and experiences to positively enlarge our comfort zones is a beautiful way to get to know ourselves better, to expand our horizons. Just as precious as that is to be able to intertwine our life stories with amazing friends and awesome experiences.
Cheers to my awesome friends and the ever-reliable natural flow of life's everything!
Friday, February 18, 2011
Sunday, February 13, 2011
You Want Me, You Want Me Not
It can be rather annoying when one wishes to be in the midst of certain people and to involve oneself in their lives (even if it is only of the slightest importance), but regardless of whatever effort that is put into realising that wish, one just seems and feels so detached. At times like this, I ask myself a question I wonder if I should ask myself - "What have I done or not done?"
Detachment, I found, can be part of a healing process. It allows us to move away from our blind spot to see the bigger picture. It gives us the space and time to repair ourselves, or rather, to realign our attitude and behaviour with that which is truly ours. More often than not, I find myself becoming a person I am not as daily experiences mould me. The focus here is not about positive or negative changes, but about the permanence of change. And here is where I have an issue. Some changes that occur within me are temporary, very easily eliminated by time and overlapping experiences. These temporary changes often leave me feeling as if I have lived with a self-concocted behaviour, in unintended hypocrisy. When I finally realise the existence of an unreal me, I look for detachment. I look for a new watching position so I can watch where the unreal me had stood and what the unreal me had done. Sometimes detachment breezes through the undoing process, sometimes it inches through. Regardless of the speed it takes, I usually come out feeling more authentic and more comfortable with the person I am.
There is, however, if decided upon, a follow-up to detachment - reconnecting. The truth is, the people and experiences which moulded me into the person I was not at ease with are not at fault. Not at all. But by detaching I also detach from those people, those experiences. And as I have undone the temporary changes within me, I also learn that connections should not be left undone. So I make attempts to reconnect. To be absolutely frank, I am still learning to reconnect. I suppose just as detachment is, reconnecting can be a quick easy fix or a long arduous process of mixed emotions. I also suppose that reconnecting can be a risky step to take because the detachment process may reverse. But I am still learning, and I have yet to know. As I attempt to reconnect, I find myself outside a circle that was already formed before I felt comfortable enough to graduate from detachment. At this moment, the thought of trying to get into or back into the circle is almost like presenting myself as a familiar intruder. And hence I ask myself, "What have I done or not done?" What have I done/not done to be completely out of the circle? What have I done/not done to not be able to be in the circle? And the situation can be annoying, perhaps because I have yet to find an answer to the question, perhaps because to feel on the outside of things when I wish I could be on the inside and when I feel comfortable enough with myself to be on the inside, is disappointing.
Do I regret detaching then? No, definitely not. If anything, it is detachment that gave me the courage to reconnect. May not be a smooth ride but really, is anything ever? And should they be?
Detachment, I found, can be part of a healing process. It allows us to move away from our blind spot to see the bigger picture. It gives us the space and time to repair ourselves, or rather, to realign our attitude and behaviour with that which is truly ours. More often than not, I find myself becoming a person I am not as daily experiences mould me. The focus here is not about positive or negative changes, but about the permanence of change. And here is where I have an issue. Some changes that occur within me are temporary, very easily eliminated by time and overlapping experiences. These temporary changes often leave me feeling as if I have lived with a self-concocted behaviour, in unintended hypocrisy. When I finally realise the existence of an unreal me, I look for detachment. I look for a new watching position so I can watch where the unreal me had stood and what the unreal me had done. Sometimes detachment breezes through the undoing process, sometimes it inches through. Regardless of the speed it takes, I usually come out feeling more authentic and more comfortable with the person I am.
There is, however, if decided upon, a follow-up to detachment - reconnecting. The truth is, the people and experiences which moulded me into the person I was not at ease with are not at fault. Not at all. But by detaching I also detach from those people, those experiences. And as I have undone the temporary changes within me, I also learn that connections should not be left undone. So I make attempts to reconnect. To be absolutely frank, I am still learning to reconnect. I suppose just as detachment is, reconnecting can be a quick easy fix or a long arduous process of mixed emotions. I also suppose that reconnecting can be a risky step to take because the detachment process may reverse. But I am still learning, and I have yet to know. As I attempt to reconnect, I find myself outside a circle that was already formed before I felt comfortable enough to graduate from detachment. At this moment, the thought of trying to get into or back into the circle is almost like presenting myself as a familiar intruder. And hence I ask myself, "What have I done or not done?" What have I done/not done to be completely out of the circle? What have I done/not done to not be able to be in the circle? And the situation can be annoying, perhaps because I have yet to find an answer to the question, perhaps because to feel on the outside of things when I wish I could be on the inside and when I feel comfortable enough with myself to be on the inside, is disappointing.
Do I regret detaching then? No, definitely not. If anything, it is detachment that gave me the courage to reconnect. May not be a smooth ride but really, is anything ever? And should they be?
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