To Your P.O. Box

If my emotions are each a living character on stage, expressing themselves in their rawest nature, I reckon my audience would be watching in a state of perplexity and utter confusion. For even I could not fathom the workings of my own emotions.

A dear friend of mine has left for a place oceans away from where I am. Unwillingness first took centre stage and all I had in mind was how I could possibly deal with his absence. But Realisation woke me up to the inevitability of his leaving and so gradually, Willingness, in its tiny measly form, attempted to take the lead. And this was when the other characters conjured themselves, some aiding Willingness to a stronger stance, some hampering Willingness from showing its full form. Excitement and Joy was always at the sides of the stage, portraying my wish for my friend to have a fresh beginning and a discovery-filled journey in a land that he has always wanted to be in. Yet on the opposite side of the stage, Selfishness and Fear occupied my mind with thoughts of how I would cope, how I would feel. It was a tug-of-war of emotions. Time passed and eventually, my friend took off, now with his feet set on a land far, far away from here. And as if by magic, with the arrival of my friend at where he is now, Selfishness and Fear disappeared, leaving only Excitement and Joy to hoist Willingness up. Unwillingness disappeared too, and the stage is now bathed in complete excitement for my friend's exploration of a new place and his new life, in utter joy for his finally walking on the lands of his desire, and in genuine willingness to let him off from familiar surroundings back here. It was almost like a flick of switch that turned off the spotlight on that which is negative and to have all lights focus on the positive. I cannot understand how emotions could turn on and turn off in such a way, but I digress. That which is most important here is that my friend is in a good place, with exciting prospects of a renewed life, and there is only reason to celebrate. He would only be away for half a year, but I am confident that this not-too-long yet not-too-brief duration would be his learning experience. And boy, am I excited for him!

To my dear friend,

There really is only reason to celebrate. The moment I reckoned you have touched down and set foot on the grounds of your dreamed land, I realised that in so many ways, life for you will only grow to be more fulfilling day by day. What used to be bitterness about your leaving has now transformed into shared excitement and joy. And I am truly, truly thankful because I can now think about your presence there rather than your absence here. I learn that it is more valuable to acknowledge the wonderful things you would encounter and learn, than to dwell on yours having left here. So go ahead and experience. An exciting path is set before you, and you are free to travel upon it. What an opportunity! Life is treating you fine, dear friend, and I am happy that you are embracing it. Be refreshed, be excited, and most of all, be present to the awesomeness that you are immersed in right now! Have bucket loads of fun being rejuvenated by life once more - happy discovering!

From seven hours ahead, with love,
Your constant friend =)

You and Your Light, I with Mine. Rise and Shine!

Sunshine, here I come!

May you, I, and everyone have bucket loads of fun on our journeys of discovering our sunshine and shining it through the leaves of each other's lives.

Happy 2012!

Reparation at Plateau

There is so much to be fixed. While I am constantly repairing, or rather, attempting to repair, that which I perceive to be broken, the pieces do not seem to bind. Sometimes they do, but their fragile nature renders them highly susceptible to repeated breakage, very often caused by the unstable kaleidoscope of emotions. Within that cylindrical container that holds its own tiny world of colourful possibilities, there is, I reckon, a constant struggle in attempting to keep the colours in check. It is not that I do not try, but sometimes trying can be so easily over-ridden by the want to let the colours take their own swing and to draw the image that would be viewed - even if the colours stem from such triviality and immaturely nonsensical thoughts. Indulgence may bring sweet pleasure but in certain circumstances, indulgence brings one back to where they started from - a jumble of broken pieces, mended again and again. It is a monotonous cycle of reparation and breakage, catalysed by the weakness of my feeble mind.

But a feeble mind and a foolishly delicate heart cannot be the master of my self. To dwell within the nooks and crannies of self-indulgence is pathetic.

To the Higher One above,
A constant heart, that which is sought,
For tire have I, in indulgence, been caught.
Your guidance and light, I pray is brought,
Feebleness be taken, I ask, from the good lot.

Repairing.

Circle of Confusion

I try to put forth who I wish to be and who I think I am in front of other people, in my relationships, in my communication, in every other social situation. In a way, sometimes the person I am in the eyes and understanding of another individual is not who I genuinely am. And by trying to be who I want to be, I am also conditioning myself to think and accept that who I want to be is who I am. I suppose it is an unconscious process. I say unconscious because at times it takes reflection and retrospection to realise that I actually was not entirely comfortable being that person I was. And when I am not comfortable, it could very possibly mean that I was being someone I actually am not. Perhaps that is a rather superficial way of perceiving self-identity but I will digress on this matter. Simply because I am still learning.

The irony is, by being what I wish and think I am (which means not being entirely me), I have also unconsciously showed parts of myself which I intended to hide, by portraying myself as the person I desire and reckon to be. So this portrayal of identity that I adopt really is a circle within which I fumble around in search of myself. And because I have not given myself liberty from that circle, I wonder how many people that I have come to know and become acquainted with have been pulled along into my own confusion of who I truly am. I was confronted by one today and to be absolutely frank, it gave me a heavy heart. Not because of the unconscious unveiling of a layer of me that I had rather left masked, but because of the fact that I have unconsciously betrayed the expectations of an individual. I was trying to be a friend that I want to be, but in the end, I became an acquaintance who did not understand enough, who showed her true colours. And to think that I have left an impression of such nature, it just loads my heart with guilt, dissatisfaction, and disappointment - heavy heart.

P.S Thanks to a talented pair of strangers (whom I have only got to know) who made wonderful music together at an unexpected time and place, the weight of my heart was taken off a little. The absolute wonders of music.

There is so much more I need to pay attention to.
There is so much more for me to learn.
There is so much more for me to discover, and that includes who the genuine me really is.

Always learning.

1 Metre Square Expansion & More to Come

Thank Tank

Entry #3

I am so grateful for friends who are so accommodating, so witty, and so spontaneously hilarious. I would love to say more about them but I have only recently started to spend more quality time with them so I am still learning about them, gradually discovering each of their unique awesomeness.

For that change, or rather, addition, to the "hang out group" to happen, I extend my thankfulness to the natural flow of life's everything. There was no planning, no rehearsed conversation starters, no getting-to-know-you sessions. This large circle of friends was based solely on spontaneous thoughts, decisions, and actions. And it is an extremely beautiful thing because it is such a comfortable process of building a friendship.

And because of the way life's daily happenings move in such a fluid way and because these individuals that I have only begun to know are such amazing people, it has allowed me to step out of my comfort zone. Small steps may intimidate a little, but big steps evoke an uneasy feeling, tempting me to concoct excuses so I can stay safe and comfortable within the self-set limitations of all the awesome things that I can actually do to learn to embrace life more, to be more appreciative of the existence of the people I have in my life, to love more. It was just a basketball game, but that brief two hours somehow liberated part of me from my comfort zone then, extending its perimeters, enlarging the scope of "things that I am comfortable with". Basketball is a sport that I do not know how to play (just as every other game-sport there is) and the thought of playing it with my friends gave me the butterflies because I was then deciding if I were to stay cocooned or to take a peek into a refreshed way of living. At that point of time, the fluid of life took control and helped me into deciding on the latter. And I cannot be more thankful because those two hours of running, catching, passing, attempting to score, and most importantly, laughing and really just having bucket loads of fun, was wonderfully liberating.

If there is anything I have learned, it is these two things.
1. Friends are not determined by who we want, how we want them to be, and when we want them. They just come along into our lives anytime, anywhere, and anyhow and touch our hearts with their amazing qualities and their awesomeness.
2. Comfort zones are OK. They do not symbolise weakness, they are just a boundary set by humans due to their natural tendency and need to feel at ease. But the perimeters of our comfort zones are open to be flexed anytime, anywhere, anyhow, by anyone. Allowing people and experiences to positively enlarge our comfort zones is a beautiful way to get to know ourselves better, to expand our horizons. Just as precious as that is to be able to intertwine our life stories with amazing friends and awesome experiences.

Cheers to my awesome friends and the ever-reliable natural flow of life's everything!

You Want Me, You Want Me Not

It can be rather annoying when one wishes to be in the midst of certain people and to involve oneself in their lives (even if it is only of the slightest importance), but regardless of whatever effort that is put into realising that wish, one just seems and feels so detached. At times like this, I ask myself a question I wonder if I should ask myself - "What have I done or not done?"

Detachment, I found, can be part of a healing process. It allows us to move away from our blind spot to see the bigger picture. It gives us the space and time to repair ourselves, or rather, to realign our attitude and behaviour with that which is truly ours. More often than not, I find myself becoming a person I am not as daily experiences mould me. The focus here is not about positive or negative changes, but about the permanence of change. And here is where I have an issue. Some changes that occur within me are temporary, very easily eliminated by time and overlapping experiences. These temporary changes often leave me feeling as if I have lived with a self-concocted behaviour, in unintended hypocrisy. When I finally realise the existence of an unreal me, I look for detachment. I look for a new watching position so I can watch where the unreal me had stood and what the unreal me had done. Sometimes detachment breezes through the undoing process, sometimes it inches through. Regardless of the speed it takes, I usually come out feeling more authentic and more comfortable with the person I am.

There is, however, if decided upon, a follow-up to detachment - reconnecting. The truth is, the people and experiences which moulded me into the person I was not at ease with are not at fault. Not at all. But by detaching I also detach from those people, those experiences. And as I have undone the temporary changes within me, I also learn that connections should not be left undone. So I make attempts to reconnect. To be absolutely frank, I am still learning to reconnect. I suppose just as detachment is, reconnecting can be a quick easy fix or a long arduous process of mixed emotions. I also suppose that reconnecting can be a risky step to take because the detachment process may reverse. But I am still learning, and I have yet to know. As I attempt to reconnect, I find myself outside a circle that was already formed before I felt comfortable enough to graduate from detachment. At this moment, the thought of trying to get into or back into the circle is almost like presenting myself as a familiar intruder. And hence I ask myself, "What have I done or not done?" What have I done/not done to be completely out of the circle? What have I done/not done to not be able to be in the circle? And the situation can be annoying, perhaps because I have yet to find an answer to the question, perhaps because to feel on the outside of things when I wish I could be on the inside and when I feel comfortable enough with myself to be on the inside, is disappointing.

Do I regret detaching then? No, definitely not. If anything, it is detachment that gave me the courage to reconnect. May not be a smooth ride but really, is anything ever? And should they be?

Stepping Back

"...I resolve to post daily, or close to daily, about everything that I am thankful for." - January 14th, 2011-

Let's tweak that sentence a little.

I resolve to always remind myself to be grateful for being able to experience emotions, favourable or unfavourable, pleasurable or painful.
And I shall post whenever and whatever emotions lead me to post.

Perhaps by doing so, I am breaking a promise I made to myself. But I have to say, I had rather break a promise now than to keep empty promises to a time when I would break them anyway. And I said I would break them anyway because the truth is, there are times when I feel bitter that I cannot find in myself the space for thankfulness. I came to realise that I do not yet have the maturity to be able to feel truly and completely thankful regardless of situations and circumstances. At this point of time in my life, I am still learning to not be bitter, a negative feeling that I still get when things do not go the way I would like them to. Before I can transform all that bitterness into acceptance, to strive to be grateful despite the lemons life hands me is merely a fake effort, false gratitude, because I am leaping even before I can walk steady. And having false gratitude is an extremely sorry state to be in because I am achieving nothing but self-deception.

Perhaps a better thing to do is to not try to reach too far beyond at a premature time. By doing so, I may catch hold of my supposed goal but the over-extending stretch that I push myself to make in order to reach that goal could very easily turn the experience into one that is only painful. Worse, the pain may be so overwhelming that my vision may be blurred and I may end up reaching for the wrong side of the goal.

Therefore, I will allow my emotions to take the ride it wants. As the ride makes its stops, turns, rises, and falls, it will remind me that it is the very proof that I am living and still learning. This ride will bring me on a travel no earthly places can offer, and I would, hopefully, grow with the ride, and undergo natural adjustments to my emotions and my grasp on constant gratitude.

I have learned to be more thankful now than I have ever been, and that is why I am able to conceive of the possibility that I am taking too big a step. While I am still offering my daily gratitude, heightening my senses to the abundance of awesomeness that is around me, I am also learning to deal with my emotions.

Travelling on and learning.