I try to put forth who I wish to be and who I think I am in front of other people, in my relationships, in my communication, in every other social situation. In a way, sometimes the person I am in the eyes and understanding of another individual is not who I genuinely am. And by trying to be who I want to be, I am also conditioning myself to think and accept that who I want to be is who I am. I suppose it is an unconscious process. I say unconscious because at times it takes reflection and retrospection to realise that I actually was not entirely comfortable being that person I was. And when I am not comfortable, it could very possibly mean that I was being someone I actually am not. Perhaps that is a rather superficial way of perceiving self-identity but I will digress on this matter. Simply because I am still learning.
The irony is, by being what I wish and think I am (which means not being entirely me), I have also unconsciously showed parts of myself which I intended to hide, by portraying myself as the person I desire and reckon to be. So this portrayal of identity that I adopt really is a circle within which I fumble around in search of myself. And because I have not given myself liberty from that circle, I wonder how many people that I have come to know and become acquainted with have been pulled along into my own confusion of who I truly am. I was confronted by one today and to be absolutely frank, it gave me a heavy heart. Not because of the unconscious unveiling of a layer of me that I had rather left masked, but because of the fact that I have unconsciously betrayed the expectations of an individual. I was trying to be a friend that I want to be, but in the end, I became an acquaintance who did not understand enough, who showed her true colours. And to think that I have left an impression of such nature, it just loads my heart with guilt, dissatisfaction, and disappointment - heavy heart.
P.S Thanks to a talented pair of strangers (whom I have only got to know) who made wonderful music together at an unexpected time and place, the weight of my heart was taken off a little. The absolute wonders of music.
There is so much more I need to pay attention to.
There is so much more for me to learn.
There is so much more for me to discover, and that includes who the genuine me really is.
Always learning.
