2010: Can We Finally Walk The Talk?

When the clock strikes 0000 hours, marking the time that belongs to both the 31st of December 2009 and the 1st of January 2010, planet Earth and all of its inhabitants will be celebrating a brand new year. A brand new year is, without a doubt, a good thing. Good for recreating hopes and dreams which were abandoned halfway through 2009, good for building resolutions and setting new and perhaps higher targets. In fact, a new year is, simply put, good for a brand new beginning. It is like going back to square one in a Snakes & Ladders game, but on to a new board, where previous falls and losses are left behind, where the snakes and ladders are arranged in a different manner, allowing the player to have new hopes and new moves to advance all the way to square one hundred.

Question: If it was possible for our so-called resolutions and dreams which we created at the beginning of 2009 to dissipate into thin air even before anything is achieved, why couldn't it be the same way too in 2010?

I myself am a victim of this vicious cycle. Year after year, I store in my conscious mind a list of "What I Want to Do & Achieve". Year after year, the list remains unchecked or perhaps, on a brighter side, mostly unchecked. Most of the time, I blame "circumstances" such as time inadequacy, parental disagreement, etc. Sometimes, I blame myself for procrastinating, for being lazy, for not being persevering enough, which really are common factors we all face when attempting to achieve our resolutions. But all this blaming, ultimately, results in self-pity and that's where the fall begins. Self-pity leads to self-indulgence which leads to selfishness. I have learned that anything that is done on the basis of self-importance does not give lasting satisfaction. And when we realise there is no more satisfaction, we give in to luring temptations and finally fall under the coax of "I will do this tomorrow". Needless to say, tomorrow never comes because tomorrow remains everyday, as tomorrow.

This is not saying though, that making resolutions is pointless and unrealistic. In fact, it is not unrealistic at all. The only factor that causes our resolutions to be unrealistic is the way we choose to make them. Many of us make big, major-sized resolutions which excite us at the moment of creation. As days pass, excitement evolves into an overwhelming sense of impossibility. Not only that, if we take the time to analyse the root of our resolutions, we should really question ourselves, "Why do I want to do this?" Most answers would point back to the questioner herself or himself.

Logically thinking, if one is not able to reach square one hundred in one throw of the dice, one should make paces, up the ladder and down the snakes. Similarly, if we are aware that we are not able to achieve the sky high dreams we set for ourselves in one go, wouldn't it be more feasible to make daily resolutions instead, small, minor ones, as we open our eyes to greet the sunshine of everyday? No humans are super, even aeroplanes need to ascend gradually till they reach the intended height. Perhaps if we spare ourselves a little time every morning to think about what we want to achieve, just simple things, such as making sure we say our thank you's and how do you do's, we would actually be able to realise our hope of wanting to live a life of gratitude and respect.

When making these daily resolutions, perhaps it would also be helpful to reflect upon why we make them. Do I want to live a life of gratitude and respect because I want to be happy and to feel good about myself or because I want my happiness to be felt by those I come in contact with? Do I want to participate in a certain charity organisation because I want people to know that I am not selfish and so I would feel better about myself or because I know that by interacting with someone or something else, directly or indirectly, I am making a difference for that someone or something, even if it is just a seemingly insignificant one? I am not sure myself as to what makes a life of serving to be able to bring more contentment than a life of satisfying our own needs. Perhaps when we are able to make the slightest difference to something or someone, there is this invisible thread of connection that binds two together. So the more our interaction, the more the number of connections. And perhaps these connections rejuvenate us, opening our hearts and minds to see the beauty that is contained in our surroundings, in people and in life's daily happenings.

Ultimately, resolutions, daily or monthly or yearly, big or small, should be constantly accompanied by gratitude. Being thankful is teaching me to be humble. Practising gratitude in every little thing that I remember to be thankful for, I am realising beauty I have not had the gratifying eyes to see before this. In fact, for having the words to write this blog post, my gratitude goes out to Mr. Bob Greene (who gave the idea of making daily resolutions in the Rachael Ray show I watched this morning) and Mr. Jason Mraz (who is an uplifter of a life of acknowledgement and gratitude). Being inspired about life philosophy from the television and from an artiste's blog may seem a little ungrounded. The question here is, to what extent would we go to to make 2010 a more fruitful year? And believe me, the possibilities are beyond our imagination.

I am publishing this post as a constant reminder to myself of the boundless possibilities that I would be granted with in 2010 through the resolutions I create. If, by any chance, anyone stumbles upon this post, I am thankful for the person who is reading for he or she is spending time to share with me, my little discovery.

Have an enlightening time creating your 2010!

Reversible, It Is.

My sister showed me this video and I thought it is worth sharing.

Ponder. To reverse, we may choose.

More Than Just A Man With Two Jobs

In my opinion, working two jobs in a day everyday is no easy feat. Working two jobs in a day everyday with equal zest and abundance of energy therefore defies my logic of the human capacity. In this case, one man has defeated the barrier of my self-created limitations. This is his story, told through my blessed encounters with him.

The writer remembers not of the details of the day she first met him but the memory of the man himself is a clear one, not of his physical appearance, but the clearly pronounced words which emanated from within him with such soothing audibility.

Watching her mother walking to a counter where cash competition entry forms are filled, clutching a few of those in her hand, the writer notices her mother was followed casually by a man. She hears the words "Wah, so many already ar?" uttered with genuine friendliness through the windscreen of the car she was sitting in. At that moment, the writer's thoughts about the man were merely passing ones, generally disregarding the warmth which he portrayed. But the memory was never erased. Unconsciously, as the writer and her mother left the petrol station, she was also storing this image and this voice in the spaces of her unknowing mind.

Five days later, in a cosily furnished restaurant, a waiter came to the writer's and her family's table to collect the dirty dishes. A familiar voice spoke with a very familiar clarity and audibility in his words, "Hi, may I collect these bowls? Thank you." The writer turned to the voice and gazed upon a face she was quite sure she had seen before. But as she attempted recalling the time and place she had seen the man, her memory bits served her too poorly. Time ticked and as she dug deeper into her mind spaces, she finally found the image and voice she had unconsciously stored five days earlier, as she was leaving the petrol station. An initial sense of relief for having solved the bugging familiarity came upon the writer, which was soon to be replaced with a level of respect with the occurence of the following conversation between her mother and the man. (The writer had exclaimed her revelation earlier to her mother, the only one in her family who had also seen the man before.)

"Eh, do you work in the petrol station there?"

"Yeah, how you know ar?"

"I saw you mah."

"Really? When ar? Yeah, I actually work two jobs. I do marketing in the petrol station. Actually last time I work there from 7 to 7. But now I just work from 7 a.m. to 4 p.m. Then I have two hours of rest and work here from 6 p.m. to 11 p.m. At first they wanted me to work full time here but I tell them cannot lah because I still need to work there right. My boss is ok with me working here part time also. He also got ask me whether I can manage or not lah because two jobs right. Haha, see lah, I hope my energy is enough. But at least got two hours' rest so ok lah. I must manage my timing lah."

Then the family and the writer left, leaving that short encounter as the last till now. The writer had never spoken to the man, the man would not have noticed the writer. But she now knew the man as one whom she quietly grew her respect for.

"The man", till now, remains as "the man" for I have never found out what his name is. That encounter also remains as the last till now. An average man on the outside, but definitely not one on the inside. Just the clarity and audibility as well as energy and genuinity in his words are enough to portray his zest for life, despite now having to work two jobs a day, everyday. Exactly what holds this man up, I have yet to know. I wonder if I will ever know. I wonder if I will ever meet him anymore. But I know one thing - "the man" is living Jason Mraz's song - Live High, Live Mighty, Live Righteously. And as a secret admirer, I can only pray that wherever life takes him to, he would always preserve his humility and that his energy would be flowing in such abundance to carry him up as high and as mighty as he could, keeping righteousness as a constant guide. As for myself, the two brief encounters with "the man" is One which I am gladly adding into my bagpack of gratitude.

There is no denying though that perhaps the warmth shown by "the man" was out of his sense of responsibility for his job in the marketing sector in which public relations skills are of high importance. Then again, to maintain that same level of zest and energy in both his jobs with only a two-hour break is, I reckon, already a challenge on its own. Two encounters are, without doubt, inadequate for me to make any judgements, but they are definitely an evidence of his dedication to his jobs. Isn't that already an example we can all look up to?

Never forget the importance of living with unbridled exhilaration. Never neglect to see the exquisite beauty in all living things. Today, and this very moment, is a gift. Stay focused on your purpose. The Universe will take care of everything else.

- from "The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari" by Robin S. Sharma

Simple Thrills: There Is So Much We Can Learn

To these creative souls who have served to add just a little more colour to a life they have unknowingly touched, I extend my deepest gratitude.

How adorable, how simple, how childish, and yet how optimistically true.

- Bill Watterson (Calvin & Hobbes)

- Craig Bartlett (Hey Arnold!)

- The team at Les' Copaque (Upin & Ipin)

Maybe we should develop a Crayola bomb as our next secret weapon. A happiness weapon. A beauty bomb. And everytime a crisis developed, we would launch one. It would explode high in the air - explode softly - and send thousands, millions, of little parachutes into the air. Floating down to earth - box of Crayolas. And we wouldn't go cheap either - not little boxes of eight. Boxes of sixty-four, with the sharpener built right in. With silver and gold and copper, magenta and peach and lime, amber and umber and all the rest. And people would smile and get a little funny look on their faces and cover the world with imagination.

- Robert Fulghum

He who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe is as good as dead: his eyes are closed.

- Albert Einstein

If children grew up according to early indications, we should have nothing but geniuses.

- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

The Vastness & The Bagpack

Counted simply, I went in and out of the school hall 23 times within these two months, summing up to 23 papers. I thought it would be a pull through that period, but having officially ended secondary education, it really was more of a journey towards a new beginning. As 23 went down to 22 to 21 and finally to 0, as I descended the hill of exam, I was climbing up the plateau to a fresh phase. And now that I have reached the flat top, my vision is set upon a vastness I have yet to but am truly eager to explore. This vastness is rejuvenating, this vastness is refreshing, not in the slightest bit intimidating. Perhaps it is a will of my childishness to look upon a future so uncertain as Land O' Plenty. If that is the case, childish be me then. Looking upon this vastness that spreads before me, I'd rather embrace it than to endure it.

As I now stand at the peak of this plateau, I carry with me a bagpack of gratitude. Be it the period of 23 to 0, or the period to 23, or even the period after 0, I have much to be grateful for. All the little Ones which or whom have accompanied me through every day of living, each had and perhaps still is imprinting tracks of gracious deeds on the land I am travelling on. This bagpack I am carrying is a bottomless one, simply because there is so much gratitude I can and will put in it. As this bagpack gets heavier, then I know that I am that bit more enlightened.

This vastness is one that I am learning to embrace and this bagpack of gratitude is one that I will never cease to carry with me. Perhaps it is through this vastness that I am given the opportunity to make more bagpacks of gratitude to be permanent companions of the Ones who are and will be a part of my peristalsis.

With utmost childishness,
"I'm ready!"

Entanglement of Truths

It did not rain today. Not yet, perhaps. But it did yesterday and the day before yesterday, which I, thankfully, took notice of and I managed to offer that well-deserved glance to the One with the Hand of Water. Thank you very much rainfall!

It has been raining pretty often lately, but it did not rain today. I wonder if that, by any chance, is a climatic enhancement to the emotional progression of my day. It may all be mere coincidence but somehow, it is a rather pleasing thought - the weather changes to complement my day. It is like being able to communicate with the Ones from Above and All Around.

Is life so wretched? Isn't it rather your hands which are too small, your vision which is muddled? You are the one who must grow up.
- Dag Hammarskjold

Self-pity has always been a part of my life and myself. As much as I know it is an unhealthy thought, let alone practice, I have never taken the first step to remove it. Simply because indulging in self-pity somehow brings comfort. Fake comfort.

Today, once again, I have committed that self-disintegrating practice. I have used the words "the accumulation of different things" as a reason to my tearing, but really, at the very basic of matters, it is self-pity. While I do take the full blame (very rightfully) for the goings-on in my life now, in a deceiving way, it is also a form of escapism from what IS happening, caused by the very choices and decisions of mine. In other words, I am using the truth to escape the truth. And I would keep going around in this entanglement of truths, up to a point when the tangle is too difficult to undo. I AM NOT LETTING THIS HAPPEN. It may be difficult to remove self-pity, something so naturally contained in every individual, but I think we all have a lesson to learn here - self-pity redraws us gradually into our nooks and corners of so-called "comfort" which are really dark pits of gloom in disguise. Escapism which leads to imprisonment.

By publishing this post, I am making a vow to myself - I must grow up. Waxing melancholic is really just a dramatisation of self-indulgence. Having trapped myself within the confines of self-pity for all these time, perhaps it is high time now to release myself from the tangle before I become a prisoner of myself.

It's not the load that breaks you down, it's the way you carry it.
- Lena Home

This is not another Dawn of Realisation but rather, an intended effort which has been dormant for too long and is now sparked by both the meeting of time and people.
And one of the Ones whom I must gratify for this illumination is my very dear Leavay. She may not realise the immensity of her actions but at times, a mere presence is all it takes to soothe and in this particular case, also to realise. Simple deeds make us learn.
Also to another two Ones, Geetha (or Heetha) and Esther (Elxy). They have nothing to do with today but somehow, they have always been an awesome sponge for absorbing my rants of self-pity. And to Mun Li, for having been so strong (So why shouldn't I?) as well as Pn. Ong and Pei Ling, simply for being concerned. This is difficult to say, but I cannot leave out Pn. Inthirani because if it was not for her, I would not have delved into self-pity anyway. Four other precious Ones are Pn. Raja, Pn. Manmeet, Pn. Tan and Pn. Judy. Also completely uninvolved but somehow, I know that I am doing this, to a certain extent, because of them and also for them. And for my family. And for all the Ones whom I know and am yet to know.

With gratitude and determination,
Untangling.

The One with the Hand of Water

It rained quite heavily when I was in school today. Sudden pour which didn't last for long. Happens pretty often. But it was not until today that I noticed how, when it rains, a place, an object, a person, anything - would look as if they are further away compared to days when sunshine decides to watch over us closely. I have always noticed the tranquil and sense of calmness that rainfall brings, but never this. Yet, despite the distance, that place, that object, that person, that something - feels more welcoming, warmer. (This gets me thinking - are romantic scenes more romantic when that couple who have braved all odds are finally able to share love's unification under the blessings of the One with the Hand of Water? Compare that to the One with the Hand of Rays. But I'm referring specifically to movie-making here. Life has so much to offer in every beautiful location, each in its own distinct way.)

I failed to do one thing today, though. I failed to look up after rainfall decided to shower upon another land. I simply forgot. Perhaps "forgot" is an understatement. I didn't bother to. I simply didn't bother admiring the beauty that was left behind. Perhaps I need to post a note in my books - LOOK UP. THE ONE WITH THE HAND OF WATER WOULD APPRECIATE IT. In fact, I failed to realise (not until now) how I managed to cross the street so easily when school ended today (rain droplets took the place of rainfall). So much for the Dawn of Realisation at school.

Here's an apology to the one I owe my glance:

Mighty waters,
Giving fullness,
Feeding one,
To feed all ones.

Subtle traces,
You leave behind,
Non-glancing faces,
Yet you never mind.

Salutations to the One with the Hand of Water,
Look up.

Peristalsis

One can be taught but never learn. One can learn although never been taught.

It's refreshing to wonder how the clockworks of life functions at times. If I were to create an analogy to it, I would love to synonymise life as a peristalsis. A continuous wave-like motion which transports the food we consume into our stomachs through the oesophagus. Similarly, I would like to think of life as a motion which just keeps going, pushing down, or rather, taking in whatever that comes along the way, good or bad, which would finally (or not finally) take its path to what would be our future (which, in the case of peristalsis, is what we defaecate).

It's the Raya holidays and nothing much has been happening. But perhaps it is because nothing much has been happening that I actually am able to reflect upon the days which have passed "nothingly". Here's what I recall doing during the past few days:
- Supported my popo by holding her hand (and a teeny weeny bit of pride actually came upon me while walking through the narrow lanes of the morning market).
- Brought an insect (I still don't know what it is called) out of a puddle of water (it is a puddle for the insect, but just a drop for us humans) in which it got its wings stuck in. Perhaps it was my imagination but I thought it actually climbed up to my finger instantaneously.
- Made the decision to sit in the front passenger's seat during one of the journeys to Kulim, Kedah. Apart from the fact that I managed to entertain my brother who was driving through the crawling traffic, I stayed up to actually take notice of all that was happening outside the comfortable confines of the car I was in.
- Accompanied Rocky (a pet dog in popo's house) for a little while and opened a door for it to go to the front porch of the house when it stood up very suddenly.
- Blamed my brother (for the feeblest reason of all reasons) for having to wait quite a while at a hawker's centre, only for "Yi Poh Nga Choi Kai" and some "Kuai Tiu" which was apparently very delicious (which it is).

That's pretty much all I can recall at this particular moment in time, but here's my point.
Simple deeds, good or bad, make us learn. At least, I learned. What I have learned, it's not exactly something that I can just rest my finger on (which is why I didn't include any "moral of the story" in the above list). It was like coming to that one tiny hole which opens up to the small things that make up part of life's one big thing. Ones that make up One. I was not taught per se, but there was a teacher all along. Perhaps life itself is the teacher. If that is so, then we are our own teachers. How wonderful it is to have the freedom to mark our own assignments and to judge our own work! In my case, simple deeds was the teacher and I was privileged to be its humble student.

In the name of peristalsis,
Cheers. =)

The Here & Now Named Beginning

The weight of silence envelopes like a blanket.
Good, quiet silence.

Then emerges the soft laughter of triads.

Tickling triads - we now begin.