I have begun to acknowledge that this is happening because social dynamics change. I can see that dependence and trust has shifted. I can see that the strength of a friendship builds more upon the level of comfort and chemistry that two people have, than on years of knowing one another. I can see that balance is absolutely vital in maintaining a healthy friendship. And one of the things I came to see, which was surprising even to myself as the realisation was dawning upon me, is that this currently evolving friendship started off imbalanced. The intention to get acquainted was offered by one person, and the offer was accepted by the other person. And I think the key word here is 'offered'. The friendship started off as an acceptance of an offer. In my particular case, that is an imbalanced start because there was more want in one person than in the other. And in my particular case, that imbalance has always remained. It was just not something we were aware of because...nothing happened. Nothing happened to trigger that reality into awareness, until recently when I realise that the dynamics of this friendship has changed. The want, the dependence, and the trust that once existed is now placed upon another individual, and now the imbalance has to go somewhere. It came to me, manifested in the form of anger and annoyance at every little thing related to that friendship which does not happen the way I want it to. Precisely for that reason, I admit I have yet to learn how to deal with this change graciously.
I do wonder if I am just putting too much thought into what's happening to this friendship, if there actually isn't anything happening. But the anger and annoyance are too real for me to ignore and brush aside as a by-product of thoughts I conjured up. From speaking out random thoughts to attempts at getting together to do what I think would be fun, conversations somehow always end up with me throwing out insinuations that I am not happy with how things are. It's pathetic, watching myself flailing around for some sort of reassurance that the dynamics of the friendship never changed. It's embarrassing, listening to myself fishing around for recognition that I am still the friend I thought I used to be. The friendship started out imbalanced, remained imbalanced, dynamics changed, the imbalance had to be resolved somewhere, it came to me, I took it in, and am now making a fool out of myself.
As much as I hate to admit it, I also think this all just points back to selfishness. I want things the way they used to be because I am comfortable with what was. I am angry and annoyed because I want to insinuate that I am not pleased. I am trying to seek for some kind of reassurance and recognition because I want to show that I am still a capable friend. It is unhealthy, but unfortunately I have yet to learn to detach myself from these impulsive expressions.
I can't tell how long this may take, or what would happen along the way, but I do hope that I find the calmness to treat this friendship with more respect than it has been receiving from me.
