Stepping Back

"...I resolve to post daily, or close to daily, about everything that I am thankful for." - January 14th, 2011-

Let's tweak that sentence a little.

I resolve to always remind myself to be grateful for being able to experience emotions, favourable or unfavourable, pleasurable or painful.
And I shall post whenever and whatever emotions lead me to post.

Perhaps by doing so, I am breaking a promise I made to myself. But I have to say, I had rather break a promise now than to keep empty promises to a time when I would break them anyway. And I said I would break them anyway because the truth is, there are times when I feel bitter that I cannot find in myself the space for thankfulness. I came to realise that I do not yet have the maturity to be able to feel truly and completely thankful regardless of situations and circumstances. At this point of time in my life, I am still learning to not be bitter, a negative feeling that I still get when things do not go the way I would like them to. Before I can transform all that bitterness into acceptance, to strive to be grateful despite the lemons life hands me is merely a fake effort, false gratitude, because I am leaping even before I can walk steady. And having false gratitude is an extremely sorry state to be in because I am achieving nothing but self-deception.

Perhaps a better thing to do is to not try to reach too far beyond at a premature time. By doing so, I may catch hold of my supposed goal but the over-extending stretch that I push myself to make in order to reach that goal could very easily turn the experience into one that is only painful. Worse, the pain may be so overwhelming that my vision may be blurred and I may end up reaching for the wrong side of the goal.

Therefore, I will allow my emotions to take the ride it wants. As the ride makes its stops, turns, rises, and falls, it will remind me that it is the very proof that I am living and still learning. This ride will bring me on a travel no earthly places can offer, and I would, hopefully, grow with the ride, and undergo natural adjustments to my emotions and my grasp on constant gratitude.

I have learned to be more thankful now than I have ever been, and that is why I am able to conceive of the possibility that I am taking too big a step. While I am still offering my daily gratitude, heightening my senses to the abundance of awesomeness that is around me, I am also learning to deal with my emotions.

Travelling on and learning.

Right Now

Thank Tank

Entry #2

I finished! This is not even the end of it, but already I am feeling so good. Liberated. Perhaps I will wake up tomorrow morning feeling just the same as I did this morning. But oh well. Today, I am thankful for a day spent well-focused. I am thankful for the motivation He provided so that I could finish five lectures in a day. And I am thankful for having friends who were just as excited about my "accomplishment" as I was.

Tomorrow will be a good day.

Thank Tank: Forever in Creation

I have not been giving much attention to Gratitude lately. Before it becomes a mere word, a textual beautification, a verbal polish, I must realign my distorted version of gratitude with that of Gratitude - the true thankfulness. And to do that, I resolve to post daily, or close to daily, about everything that I am thankful for. All of which I would be expressing gratitude for would be put into a virtual bottomless container, serving as my personal:

Thank Tank

Entry #1

I am thankful for having experienced an "academic plunge" when I was in secondary school. Now I am able to comfortably accept moments of "did not do well/did rather badly". No more self-pity, more of "know it, accept it, and do something about it".

I am thankful for how the mind sometimes recalls things at random moments. Things that can encourage one to make decisions he or she never really thought of making. I made a decision and I made a tiny change. Tiny, but I feel good about it. (James Brown style!)

Thank Tank
Forever in creation.

Happy days!

#1 on 11.1.2011

First post in year 2011 - a year which started off awesome, and which I know would continue to be so (because I resolve to create awesomeness, even from the most mundane of life routines).

Lots of love for my sister and her special one, for inviting me to tag along with them to a stroll in the city.
Gratitude to my friends who warmly took me in as part of their countdown outing (my first ever).
Bear hugs and kisses to my lovely daddy and mummy who completely crossed their boundaries to allow me to have a different and fun start to the new year. (Happy 30th Anniversary!)
Praise to the All Seeing, All Knowing, Always Creating One for providing me with the motivation that I need to "get things going" (I am still on ground Unsteady but I am working on it).
Thanks to a friend of mine who is always willing to keep me company, especially when I am bombarded with sudden pangs of loneliness.
Much appreciation for my friend with the beautiful eyes for taking such good care of my plant when I was away.
Shout out to the cleaners who left a very meaningful note under the door of my friend's room.
Thanks to her for showing me how to make anyone feel like "a hundred dollars" (I quote Oskar from "Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close" by Jonathan Safran Foer).

I have an abundance of beautiful, amazing individuals and life happenings to be thankful for, and this is balanced by the abundance of beautiful, amazing things that I can create and learn from in this fresh new year.

What I have learned so far from the beginning of 2011:
* I have the power and strength to break away from my own habits or tendencies.
* I can do so much more to make the people around me feel more appreciated.
* I can feel free to expect more than what I set my expectations to be. Because anything is possible.
* Hold on dearly to family and friends. They are the ones who make life more awesome than it already is.

You, I, Life, Mother Earth.
Awesomeness in the making.

Authentically Awesome

To find that you truly appreciate the presence of an individual and/or individuals only after a considerable amount of time spent together may be looked upon as moments having fluttered into a growingly distant past or as a resounding reminder of the awesomeness that these individuals possess and the awesomeness that they have emanated and are still emanating directly into one's life. I choose the latter.

Spending an otherwise unproductive weekend with friends whom I have not seen or even spoken to in quite a while was a rejuvenating time. It was rejuvenating because it made me aware and awake again to the connections I have almost neglected. Precious connections, irreplaceable by newfound ones, because these individuals are so amazingly authentic in their own quirky ways.

You are a loudspeaker, a good ol' reliable loudspeaker.
You are a laughing machine, a machine of infectious laughter.
You are a verbal mirror of emotions, a reflection of sincerest desires.
You are a pillar of reliability, a constantly available help desk.
You are an adult child, a mature soul within which lies and from which shines a child's enthusiasm and creativity.

You are all Authentically Awesome.

With deepest gratitude,
Love to all of you!

Tube of Realisation

To be from where I am, one would learn to despise local train rides. I have not had my fair share of encounters with instances of a failed public transportation system so I'm not numb to train rides yet. Numbness would only mean that I could not be bothered anymore with delayed trains, selfish passengers and stuffy coaches. Train rides would just be a passing blur of necessary commute to get to my destination. And that would be sad because then I would not be present to the present and so I would be spending an hour of every week in a state of non-existence. Hence, I am grateful that I am not numb to train rides. Not yet, hopefully never. I am happy that I am still complaining about it and dreading it. To still have reaction to unpleasant experiences means that I am existing in that moment of unpleasantness. Which means I exist in moments of pleasantness. Which means I am just as capable to react to pleasant experiences. And that would not be sad, that would be awesome.

To the train ride I had yesterday night,I thank you.
You showed me the night outside from the windows of your cooling, spacious tube.
You evoked in me a fond familiar feeling of arriving on the tarmac of a foreign airport at night in a dimly lit cabin of an impressively constructed aeroplane.
I thank you too, street lamps in the distance, for that, because you are the very stimulus to the evocation of that feeling.
Thank you, train ride on the night of yesterday, because you reminded me that I have much more freedom than I had just a few months ago.
To have that freedom, I am reminded that I am now more free to feel, to explore, to discover, to learn, to create, to experience.
I was close to going into a state of unawareness of this freedom I actually am so privileged to possess.
Thank you, train ride, for nudging me into my present.

You are awesome, train ride, because you made me a happy person, even if it was only
for that hour.

You are awesome, freedom, because you can come self-invited anytime, anywhere.

My Anything

This is not excitement, this is not a sudden gratification for the fact that I am alive and well. This is Something. It is Something because it can be Anything. It is Something because that means it has the endless possibility of being whatever it wants to be. And it can create Anything. That is the most awesome part of it.

I want to sing.
I want to laugh at myself.
I want to laugh with people.
I want to laugh with life.
I want to sing laughter.

I want to be awesome.
I want to let my family know that they are awesome.
I want to let everyone who has made a drive through my life know that they are awesome.
I want to be that one spot of awesomeness in a whole dense sphere of awesomeness that makes this world so awesome.
I want to let my family and everyone who has made a drive through my life know that they are the spots of awesomeness in my embodiment of awesomeness that makes me awesome.

I can want whatever I want. And this Something will be the tool for me to create my Anything.

Feel free to conjure up a world of your Anything.