But Not for Me

Relationships change. To learn to accept the fact, and to deal with it graciously, is something I realise I have yet to know how to do. By impulse, I say hurtful things which causes the receiving end to only feel more confused than they already are. When I attempt to take control of my thoughts to prevent them from spilling out into verbal exchanges, I end up feeling more irritated and annoyances from the past come speeding into my mind. 

I have begun to acknowledge that this is happening because social dynamics change. I can see that dependence and trust has shifted. I can see that the strength of a friendship builds more upon the level of comfort and chemistry that two people have, than on years of knowing one another. I can see that balance is absolutely vital in maintaining a healthy friendship. And one of the things I came to see, which was surprising even to myself as the realisation was dawning upon me, is that this currently evolving friendship started off imbalanced. The intention to get acquainted was offered by one person, and the offer was accepted by the other person. And I think the key word here is 'offered'. The friendship started off as an acceptance of an offer. In my particular case, that is an imbalanced start because there was more want in one person than in the other. And in my particular case, that imbalance has always remained. It was just not something we were aware of because...nothing happened. Nothing happened to trigger that reality into awareness, until recently when I realise that the dynamics of this friendship has changed. The want, the dependence, and the trust that once existed is now placed upon another individual, and now the imbalance has to go somewhere. It came to me, manifested in the form of anger and annoyance at every little thing related to that friendship which does not happen the way I want it to. Precisely for that reason, I admit I have yet to learn how to deal with this change graciously.

I do wonder if I am just putting too much thought into what's happening to this friendship, if there actually isn't anything happening. But the anger and annoyance are too real for me to ignore and brush aside as a by-product of thoughts I conjured up. From speaking out random thoughts to attempts at getting together to do what I think would be fun, conversations somehow always end up with me throwing out insinuations that I am not happy with how things are. It's pathetic, watching myself flailing around for some sort of reassurance that the dynamics of the friendship never changed. It's embarrassing, listening to myself fishing around for recognition that I am still the friend I thought I used to be. The friendship started out imbalanced, remained imbalanced, dynamics changed, the imbalance had to be resolved somewhere, it came to me, I took it in, and am now making a fool out of myself.

As much as I hate to admit it, I also think this all just points back to selfishness. I want things the way they used to be because I am comfortable with what was. I am angry and annoyed because I want to insinuate that I am not pleased. I am trying to seek for some kind of reassurance and recognition because I want to show that I am still a capable friend. It is unhealthy, but unfortunately I have yet to learn to detach myself from these impulsive expressions.

I can't tell how long this may take, or what would happen along the way, but I do hope that I find the calmness to treat this friendship with more respect than it has been receiving from me.

Colours & Furry Bits - The Ride is Here!

Yup, this is how I want my string of time to be. All ready to ride on exploration, discovery, and constant learning.

Happy 2013, all!

Riding Along (& Looking Back)

It's the last day of the year already. And to think my last post here was almost a year ago, when 2012 was still in all its freshness. As I sit here writing this post, my immediate self feels like nothing much has really happened throughout the year. Everything seems to be very much like how it was. But "how it was" depends on the time reference my immediate self is making, and that time reference is usually one that is close to now - maybe yesterday, a week ago, a month ago. For obvious reasons, if that's the time reference I'm making, nothing would seem to have changed much, no major transformation or life-changing experience would be perceived to have happened. So I tweak my view a little, almost as if I'm viewing my year as a timeline of small blocks of events from a further looking point - and I suddenly see so much. From watching friends leave and having them back, to knowing new people and forming friendships with them. From humble attempts at producing creative work to an absolutely fulfilling period delving into research, and other little events throughout the year, which all lead to the here and now.

The thing is, seeing life in such a way - in an almost playback kind of way - is not natural for me. I need to actually remind myself that things have happened prior to where and who I am at this moment, and that these things have probably happened quite some time ago to not be present for my immediate and automatic retrieval. Instead, what's natural is to tunnel in on recent events and to perceive the whole year based on that one road in that tunnel, with everything else blurred at the periphery. And I think that's because of how time moves for me (maybe for some others too). Time creates a very slow-moving story plot. So slow that events are so interwoven with each other that they are indistinguishable as single happenings. The closest analogy I can think of is this - different streams, rivers, waterfalls (and other types of water bodies) all ultimately combine to form oceans, which in turn form earth's one massive body of water. Small life events happen in such a fluid way that they all fall along one string of time. Because of the fluidity of events and the interconnectedness between them, I don't feel a sudden switch in how things are in life. Events dissolve into, or sometimes integrate with, other events, and soon enough, my memory immediately recalls only those which fall more recently along the string of time.

While that sounds unfortunate, I mean the contrary. I think this fluidity allows life to not be a drama. I would probably catch on very badly if my life was a drama. Separate scenes in separate episodes which each tell one distinct part of a story plot - probably wouldn't settle very well with my need for a slower pace and a calmer progression of events. So I'm thankful for time. Simply because with it, life flows. And because there is such a flow, because events dissolve into, or integrate with, other events, I get to heal gently from mistakes and hurts, and I get to be transformed slowly as a person. I think that's the ideal way for living. Because then I can really "go with the flow" and "take things one at a time". Time gives me the privilege to do that.

If there is a downside to this "mechanism", however, it may be that I tend to lose sight of some important events, just because it fell earlier along the string of time, a point which my memory does not readily access. But then again, it is precisely because of the way time works that I would find the occasional opportunity to reflect - to watch the playback of my living, to view my very own story. In turn, that becomes a reminder to me about how exciting life actually has been, and how much I've actually picked up along the way - be it lessons, skills, friends, fond or not-so-fond memories. And more often than not, that's what I (and perhaps many of us) need - reminders. For me, reminding myself about past events helps me view life outside of myself. For that moment, I would not be seeing life as my immediate self, rather I would be an audience of my own story's playback. And that's precious because I get a glimpse of how I have chosen to ride along time's string, which is something I'm blind to when perceiving life only as my immediate self. So in a way, time has it all figured out. It enables me to progress through life comfortably and smoothly, AND it gives me the opportunity to look back and kind of write my own "performance appraisal". As I ride along with the fluidity of life into another year, I am thankful for perhaps the only constant thing in this world - Time.

Thinking about the possible events put forth by 2013, I think I'm heading for a very exciting and soul-enriching ride. However, I'm fully aware that the ride would turn out so only if I make the effort for it to be so. If there is anything I've learned about time, it is that prospects are one thing, and reality is another. The only way prospects can be transformed into reality is through volition and determination (and probably through some cosmic help e.g. the magical realm of coincidences). So this I tell myself: I see an exciting ride, and I want to make this ride exciting through better and more appreciative use of time. I'm pretty sure as I ride along that certain worth-remembering events would be shrouded by more recent ones, but I strive to ride in such a way that when I do set myself apart to watch my story's playback, I see a colourful string of time with furry bits jutting out along the line - a beautiful mess. =)

Toasting to the end of 2012 and tapping into 2013!

To Your P.O. Box

If my emotions are each a living character on stage, expressing themselves in their rawest nature, I reckon my audience would be watching in a state of perplexity and utter confusion. For even I could not fathom the workings of my own emotions.

A dear friend of mine has left for a place oceans away from where I am. Unwillingness first took centre stage and all I had in mind was how I could possibly deal with his absence. But Realisation woke me up to the inevitability of his leaving and so gradually, Willingness, in its tiny measly form, attempted to take the lead. And this was when the other characters conjured themselves, some aiding Willingness to a stronger stance, some hampering Willingness from showing its full form. Excitement and Joy was always at the sides of the stage, portraying my wish for my friend to have a fresh beginning and a discovery-filled journey in a land that he has always wanted to be in. Yet on the opposite side of the stage, Selfishness and Fear occupied my mind with thoughts of how I would cope, how I would feel. It was a tug-of-war of emotions. Time passed and eventually, my friend took off, now with his feet set on a land far, far away from here. And as if by magic, with the arrival of my friend at where he is now, Selfishness and Fear disappeared, leaving only Excitement and Joy to hoist Willingness up. Unwillingness disappeared too, and the stage is now bathed in complete excitement for my friend's exploration of a new place and his new life, in utter joy for his finally walking on the lands of his desire, and in genuine willingness to let him off from familiar surroundings back here. It was almost like a flick of switch that turned off the spotlight on that which is negative and to have all lights focus on the positive. I cannot understand how emotions could turn on and turn off in such a way, but I digress. That which is most important here is that my friend is in a good place, with exciting prospects of a renewed life, and there is only reason to celebrate. He would only be away for half a year, but I am confident that this not-too-long yet not-too-brief duration would be his learning experience. And boy, am I excited for him!

To my dear friend,

There really is only reason to celebrate. The moment I reckoned you have touched down and set foot on the grounds of your dreamed land, I realised that in so many ways, life for you will only grow to be more fulfilling day by day. What used to be bitterness about your leaving has now transformed into shared excitement and joy. And I am truly, truly thankful because I can now think about your presence there rather than your absence here. I learn that it is more valuable to acknowledge the wonderful things you would encounter and learn, than to dwell on yours having left here. So go ahead and experience. An exciting path is set before you, and you are free to travel upon it. What an opportunity! Life is treating you fine, dear friend, and I am happy that you are embracing it. Be refreshed, be excited, and most of all, be present to the awesomeness that you are immersed in right now! Have bucket loads of fun being rejuvenated by life once more - happy discovering!

From seven hours ahead, with love,
Your constant friend =)

You and Your Light, I with Mine. Rise and Shine!

Sunshine, here I come!

May you, I, and everyone have bucket loads of fun on our journeys of discovering our sunshine and shining it through the leaves of each other's lives.

Happy 2012!

Reparation at Plateau

There is so much to be fixed. While I am constantly repairing, or rather, attempting to repair, that which I perceive to be broken, the pieces do not seem to bind. Sometimes they do, but their fragile nature renders them highly susceptible to repeated breakage, very often caused by the unstable kaleidoscope of emotions. Within that cylindrical container that holds its own tiny world of colourful possibilities, there is, I reckon, a constant struggle in attempting to keep the colours in check. It is not that I do not try, but sometimes trying can be so easily over-ridden by the want to let the colours take their own swing and to draw the image that would be viewed - even if the colours stem from such triviality and immaturely nonsensical thoughts. Indulgence may bring sweet pleasure but in certain circumstances, indulgence brings one back to where they started from - a jumble of broken pieces, mended again and again. It is a monotonous cycle of reparation and breakage, catalysed by the weakness of my feeble mind.

But a feeble mind and a foolishly delicate heart cannot be the master of my self. To dwell within the nooks and crannies of self-indulgence is pathetic.

To the Higher One above,
A constant heart, that which is sought,
For tire have I, in indulgence, been caught.
Your guidance and light, I pray is brought,
Feebleness be taken, I ask, from the good lot.

Repairing.

Circle of Confusion

I try to put forth who I wish to be and who I think I am in front of other people, in my relationships, in my communication, in every other social situation. In a way, sometimes the person I am in the eyes and understanding of another individual is not who I genuinely am. And by trying to be who I want to be, I am also conditioning myself to think and accept that who I want to be is who I am. I suppose it is an unconscious process. I say unconscious because at times it takes reflection and retrospection to realise that I actually was not entirely comfortable being that person I was. And when I am not comfortable, it could very possibly mean that I was being someone I actually am not. Perhaps that is a rather superficial way of perceiving self-identity but I will digress on this matter. Simply because I am still learning.

The irony is, by being what I wish and think I am (which means not being entirely me), I have also unconsciously showed parts of myself which I intended to hide, by portraying myself as the person I desire and reckon to be. So this portrayal of identity that I adopt really is a circle within which I fumble around in search of myself. And because I have not given myself liberty from that circle, I wonder how many people that I have come to know and become acquainted with have been pulled along into my own confusion of who I truly am. I was confronted by one today and to be absolutely frank, it gave me a heavy heart. Not because of the unconscious unveiling of a layer of me that I had rather left masked, but because of the fact that I have unconsciously betrayed the expectations of an individual. I was trying to be a friend that I want to be, but in the end, I became an acquaintance who did not understand enough, who showed her true colours. And to think that I have left an impression of such nature, it just loads my heart with guilt, dissatisfaction, and disappointment - heavy heart.

P.S Thanks to a talented pair of strangers (whom I have only got to know) who made wonderful music together at an unexpected time and place, the weight of my heart was taken off a little. The absolute wonders of music.

There is so much more I need to pay attention to.
There is so much more for me to learn.
There is so much more for me to discover, and that includes who the genuine me really is.

Always learning.

1 Metre Square Expansion & More to Come

Thank Tank

Entry #3

I am so grateful for friends who are so accommodating, so witty, and so spontaneously hilarious. I would love to say more about them but I have only recently started to spend more quality time with them so I am still learning about them, gradually discovering each of their unique awesomeness.

For that change, or rather, addition, to the "hang out group" to happen, I extend my thankfulness to the natural flow of life's everything. There was no planning, no rehearsed conversation starters, no getting-to-know-you sessions. This large circle of friends was based solely on spontaneous thoughts, decisions, and actions. And it is an extremely beautiful thing because it is such a comfortable process of building a friendship.

And because of the way life's daily happenings move in such a fluid way and because these individuals that I have only begun to know are such amazing people, it has allowed me to step out of my comfort zone. Small steps may intimidate a little, but big steps evoke an uneasy feeling, tempting me to concoct excuses so I can stay safe and comfortable within the self-set limitations of all the awesome things that I can actually do to learn to embrace life more, to be more appreciative of the existence of the people I have in my life, to love more. It was just a basketball game, but that brief two hours somehow liberated part of me from my comfort zone then, extending its perimeters, enlarging the scope of "things that I am comfortable with". Basketball is a sport that I do not know how to play (just as every other game-sport there is) and the thought of playing it with my friends gave me the butterflies because I was then deciding if I were to stay cocooned or to take a peek into a refreshed way of living. At that point of time, the fluid of life took control and helped me into deciding on the latter. And I cannot be more thankful because those two hours of running, catching, passing, attempting to score, and most importantly, laughing and really just having bucket loads of fun, was wonderfully liberating.

If there is anything I have learned, it is these two things.
1. Friends are not determined by who we want, how we want them to be, and when we want them. They just come along into our lives anytime, anywhere, and anyhow and touch our hearts with their amazing qualities and their awesomeness.
2. Comfort zones are OK. They do not symbolise weakness, they are just a boundary set by humans due to their natural tendency and need to feel at ease. But the perimeters of our comfort zones are open to be flexed anytime, anywhere, anyhow, by anyone. Allowing people and experiences to positively enlarge our comfort zones is a beautiful way to get to know ourselves better, to expand our horizons. Just as precious as that is to be able to intertwine our life stories with amazing friends and awesome experiences.

Cheers to my awesome friends and the ever-reliable natural flow of life's everything!

You Want Me, You Want Me Not

It can be rather annoying when one wishes to be in the midst of certain people and to involve oneself in their lives (even if it is only of the slightest importance), but regardless of whatever effort that is put into realising that wish, one just seems and feels so detached. At times like this, I ask myself a question I wonder if I should ask myself - "What have I done or not done?"

Detachment, I found, can be part of a healing process. It allows us to move away from our blind spot to see the bigger picture. It gives us the space and time to repair ourselves, or rather, to realign our attitude and behaviour with that which is truly ours. More often than not, I find myself becoming a person I am not as daily experiences mould me. The focus here is not about positive or negative changes, but about the permanence of change. And here is where I have an issue. Some changes that occur within me are temporary, very easily eliminated by time and overlapping experiences. These temporary changes often leave me feeling as if I have lived with a self-concocted behaviour, in unintended hypocrisy. When I finally realise the existence of an unreal me, I look for detachment. I look for a new watching position so I can watch where the unreal me had stood and what the unreal me had done. Sometimes detachment breezes through the undoing process, sometimes it inches through. Regardless of the speed it takes, I usually come out feeling more authentic and more comfortable with the person I am.

There is, however, if decided upon, a follow-up to detachment - reconnecting. The truth is, the people and experiences which moulded me into the person I was not at ease with are not at fault. Not at all. But by detaching I also detach from those people, those experiences. And as I have undone the temporary changes within me, I also learn that connections should not be left undone. So I make attempts to reconnect. To be absolutely frank, I am still learning to reconnect. I suppose just as detachment is, reconnecting can be a quick easy fix or a long arduous process of mixed emotions. I also suppose that reconnecting can be a risky step to take because the detachment process may reverse. But I am still learning, and I have yet to know. As I attempt to reconnect, I find myself outside a circle that was already formed before I felt comfortable enough to graduate from detachment. At this moment, the thought of trying to get into or back into the circle is almost like presenting myself as a familiar intruder. And hence I ask myself, "What have I done or not done?" What have I done/not done to be completely out of the circle? What have I done/not done to not be able to be in the circle? And the situation can be annoying, perhaps because I have yet to find an answer to the question, perhaps because to feel on the outside of things when I wish I could be on the inside and when I feel comfortable enough with myself to be on the inside, is disappointing.

Do I regret detaching then? No, definitely not. If anything, it is detachment that gave me the courage to reconnect. May not be a smooth ride but really, is anything ever? And should they be?

Stepping Back

"...I resolve to post daily, or close to daily, about everything that I am thankful for." - January 14th, 2011-

Let's tweak that sentence a little.

I resolve to always remind myself to be grateful for being able to experience emotions, favourable or unfavourable, pleasurable or painful.
And I shall post whenever and whatever emotions lead me to post.

Perhaps by doing so, I am breaking a promise I made to myself. But I have to say, I had rather break a promise now than to keep empty promises to a time when I would break them anyway. And I said I would break them anyway because the truth is, there are times when I feel bitter that I cannot find in myself the space for thankfulness. I came to realise that I do not yet have the maturity to be able to feel truly and completely thankful regardless of situations and circumstances. At this point of time in my life, I am still learning to not be bitter, a negative feeling that I still get when things do not go the way I would like them to. Before I can transform all that bitterness into acceptance, to strive to be grateful despite the lemons life hands me is merely a fake effort, false gratitude, because I am leaping even before I can walk steady. And having false gratitude is an extremely sorry state to be in because I am achieving nothing but self-deception.

Perhaps a better thing to do is to not try to reach too far beyond at a premature time. By doing so, I may catch hold of my supposed goal but the over-extending stretch that I push myself to make in order to reach that goal could very easily turn the experience into one that is only painful. Worse, the pain may be so overwhelming that my vision may be blurred and I may end up reaching for the wrong side of the goal.

Therefore, I will allow my emotions to take the ride it wants. As the ride makes its stops, turns, rises, and falls, it will remind me that it is the very proof that I am living and still learning. This ride will bring me on a travel no earthly places can offer, and I would, hopefully, grow with the ride, and undergo natural adjustments to my emotions and my grasp on constant gratitude.

I have learned to be more thankful now than I have ever been, and that is why I am able to conceive of the possibility that I am taking too big a step. While I am still offering my daily gratitude, heightening my senses to the abundance of awesomeness that is around me, I am also learning to deal with my emotions.

Travelling on and learning.

Right Now

Thank Tank

Entry #2

I finished! This is not even the end of it, but already I am feeling so good. Liberated. Perhaps I will wake up tomorrow morning feeling just the same as I did this morning. But oh well. Today, I am thankful for a day spent well-focused. I am thankful for the motivation He provided so that I could finish five lectures in a day. And I am thankful for having friends who were just as excited about my "accomplishment" as I was.

Tomorrow will be a good day.

Thank Tank: Forever in Creation

I have not been giving much attention to Gratitude lately. Before it becomes a mere word, a textual beautification, a verbal polish, I must realign my distorted version of gratitude with that of Gratitude - the true thankfulness. And to do that, I resolve to post daily, or close to daily, about everything that I am thankful for. All of which I would be expressing gratitude for would be put into a virtual bottomless container, serving as my personal:

Thank Tank

Entry #1

I am thankful for having experienced an "academic plunge" when I was in secondary school. Now I am able to comfortably accept moments of "did not do well/did rather badly". No more self-pity, more of "know it, accept it, and do something about it".

I am thankful for how the mind sometimes recalls things at random moments. Things that can encourage one to make decisions he or she never really thought of making. I made a decision and I made a tiny change. Tiny, but I feel good about it. (James Brown style!)

Thank Tank
Forever in creation.

Happy days!

#1 on 11.1.2011

First post in year 2011 - a year which started off awesome, and which I know would continue to be so (because I resolve to create awesomeness, even from the most mundane of life routines).

Lots of love for my sister and her special one, for inviting me to tag along with them to a stroll in the city.
Gratitude to my friends who warmly took me in as part of their countdown outing (my first ever).
Bear hugs and kisses to my lovely daddy and mummy who completely crossed their boundaries to allow me to have a different and fun start to the new year. (Happy 30th Anniversary!)
Praise to the All Seeing, All Knowing, Always Creating One for providing me with the motivation that I need to "get things going" (I am still on ground Unsteady but I am working on it).
Thanks to a friend of mine who is always willing to keep me company, especially when I am bombarded with sudden pangs of loneliness.
Much appreciation for my friend with the beautiful eyes for taking such good care of my plant when I was away.
Shout out to the cleaners who left a very meaningful note under the door of my friend's room.
Thanks to her for showing me how to make anyone feel like "a hundred dollars" (I quote Oskar from "Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close" by Jonathan Safran Foer).

I have an abundance of beautiful, amazing individuals and life happenings to be thankful for, and this is balanced by the abundance of beautiful, amazing things that I can create and learn from in this fresh new year.

What I have learned so far from the beginning of 2011:
* I have the power and strength to break away from my own habits or tendencies.
* I can do so much more to make the people around me feel more appreciated.
* I can feel free to expect more than what I set my expectations to be. Because anything is possible.
* Hold on dearly to family and friends. They are the ones who make life more awesome than it already is.

You, I, Life, Mother Earth.
Awesomeness in the making.

Authentically Awesome

To find that you truly appreciate the presence of an individual and/or individuals only after a considerable amount of time spent together may be looked upon as moments having fluttered into a growingly distant past or as a resounding reminder of the awesomeness that these individuals possess and the awesomeness that they have emanated and are still emanating directly into one's life. I choose the latter.

Spending an otherwise unproductive weekend with friends whom I have not seen or even spoken to in quite a while was a rejuvenating time. It was rejuvenating because it made me aware and awake again to the connections I have almost neglected. Precious connections, irreplaceable by newfound ones, because these individuals are so amazingly authentic in their own quirky ways.

You are a loudspeaker, a good ol' reliable loudspeaker.
You are a laughing machine, a machine of infectious laughter.
You are a verbal mirror of emotions, a reflection of sincerest desires.
You are a pillar of reliability, a constantly available help desk.
You are an adult child, a mature soul within which lies and from which shines a child's enthusiasm and creativity.

You are all Authentically Awesome.

With deepest gratitude,
Love to all of you!

Tube of Realisation

To be from where I am, one would learn to despise local train rides. I have not had my fair share of encounters with instances of a failed public transportation system so I'm not numb to train rides yet. Numbness would only mean that I could not be bothered anymore with delayed trains, selfish passengers and stuffy coaches. Train rides would just be a passing blur of necessary commute to get to my destination. And that would be sad because then I would not be present to the present and so I would be spending an hour of every week in a state of non-existence. Hence, I am grateful that I am not numb to train rides. Not yet, hopefully never. I am happy that I am still complaining about it and dreading it. To still have reaction to unpleasant experiences means that I am existing in that moment of unpleasantness. Which means I exist in moments of pleasantness. Which means I am just as capable to react to pleasant experiences. And that would not be sad, that would be awesome.

To the train ride I had yesterday night,I thank you.
You showed me the night outside from the windows of your cooling, spacious tube.
You evoked in me a fond familiar feeling of arriving on the tarmac of a foreign airport at night in a dimly lit cabin of an impressively constructed aeroplane.
I thank you too, street lamps in the distance, for that, because you are the very stimulus to the evocation of that feeling.
Thank you, train ride on the night of yesterday, because you reminded me that I have much more freedom than I had just a few months ago.
To have that freedom, I am reminded that I am now more free to feel, to explore, to discover, to learn, to create, to experience.
I was close to going into a state of unawareness of this freedom I actually am so privileged to possess.
Thank you, train ride, for nudging me into my present.

You are awesome, train ride, because you made me a happy person, even if it was only
for that hour.

You are awesome, freedom, because you can come self-invited anytime, anywhere.

My Anything

This is not excitement, this is not a sudden gratification for the fact that I am alive and well. This is Something. It is Something because it can be Anything. It is Something because that means it has the endless possibility of being whatever it wants to be. And it can create Anything. That is the most awesome part of it.

I want to sing.
I want to laugh at myself.
I want to laugh with people.
I want to laugh with life.
I want to sing laughter.

I want to be awesome.
I want to let my family know that they are awesome.
I want to let everyone who has made a drive through my life know that they are awesome.
I want to be that one spot of awesomeness in a whole dense sphere of awesomeness that makes this world so awesome.
I want to let my family and everyone who has made a drive through my life know that they are the spots of awesomeness in my embodiment of awesomeness that makes me awesome.

I can want whatever I want. And this Something will be the tool for me to create my Anything.

Feel free to conjure up a world of your Anything.

Nomad. Know & Do.

Within the perimeters of music, I was a nomad. Shifting from the zones of Making & Listening to Just Listening, I was consistently inconsistent. Thankfully, I was never out of the perimeter. Sadly, often times, I would look or think about the piano in my house and create that I wasn't in the mood to do anything with it. At other times, I would look or think about the guitar that sits next to the piano and create that I wasn't in the mood too or that I wouldn't get to pick up learning this new instrument on my own. Even with the most intimate instrument that any individual can have - our voice - at times I would create that I "didn't feel like it". Very often I would fantasise about having the talent to do whatever I want to on the instruments I play. But then there would always be that "If only" which hampers it all. Hence, a nomad I became.

It frustrated even myself to be a nomad because I definitely had no intentions to be one but within myself, there was always this collision between knowing and doing. I know but I just did not allow myself away from the plateau, taking off from imaginary flatness.

This week, I participated in a choir competition. This being my first exposure to an international coming together of music, in a way, I was enlightened. Short of being a big scale event, its humble size perhaps enabled me to be more absorbed in the moment. And those two hours of music and choral singing allowed me the mental preparation for a take off from where I am right now.

Being completely enraptured in music is a wondrous flight for the mind and soul. I know because I have been on the flight. But I have forgotten because it's been too long since the last time. Watching my fellow singers and musicians delving deep into their musical selves only fueled me to search again and unleash mine.

For as long as I have typed, I was careful to use the past tense especially when mentioning I was a nomad. I may not have taken off yet, but I create that I am not giving the time and musical experience I had this week its fair justice if I don't take off anytime soon.

To a crescendo of a take-off and a consistently consistent flight,

I know and now I do.

"Feeling"

The vastness still lies before me.
I am not standing on the same plateau anymore, therefore I do not view the vastness in the same way as I had when I first arrived.
The ground I set my feet upon now - it feels like another plateau.
But "feeling" is only a feeble state of mind, an allowance of inactivity.

The vastness still lies before me.
I have nothing to race against.
I have all passiveness within myself to overcome.

"Feeling" is a feeble state of mind, an allowance of inactivity.
Hence I need to "feel" less, but "know" more, "create" abundantly.

The vastness still lies awaiting before me.

"I'll Be Sad Later."

The above words were said by Eliot's mother when she and her husband were on the Oprah Winfrey show.

Eliot's parents, out of volition, made the choice to share the gloriously beautiful story of their little baby. Now countless hearts have been touched, many souls have been awakened.

99 days of pure happiness, celebrating the existence of a precious infant.



A lifetime of wonderful memories, rejoicing in the eternal happiness of God's little angel.

Classic!

Problem statement: Does the effectiveness of humour decrease with the number of times one watches a particular movie?

Hypothesis: The effectiveness of humour DOES decrease with the number of times one watches a particular movie.

Apparatus and materials: "Mr. Bean's Holiday" movie

Procedure:
1) The movie "Mr. Bean's Holiday" was watched for the THIRD time.
2) Results are recorded as below.

Results:
1) Audience (which only comprised of myself) cannot help feeling pleasantly entertained.
2) Audience (which only comprised of myself) had a good giggle.

Conclusion:
Hyothesis is rejected.
The effectiveness of humour DOES NOT decrease with the number of times one watches a particular movie. (Particular reference to "Mr. Bean's Holiday")

* The above experiment was not conducted according to proper scientific procedure. Any statements made in the report above are solely the personal opinion of the individual who carried out the experiment. The individual takes no responsibility in the case of any other individuals choosing, out of own free will, to trust the words of the individual who carried out the experiment.

* The above conclusion only pertains to the movie "Mr. Bean's Holiday" (perhaps also to the episodes from the truly classic "Mr. Bean" series) and no others as the individual who carried out the experiment had used ONLY the above movie as the subject of the experiment.

Attached to this report is a clip of the individual's most loved scene:



Vive le Bean!^^