But Not for Me

Relationships change. To learn to accept the fact, and to deal with it graciously, is something I realise I have yet to know how to do. By impulse, I say hurtful things which causes the receiving end to only feel more confused than they already are. When I attempt to take control of my thoughts to prevent them from spilling out into verbal exchanges, I end up feeling more irritated and annoyances from the past come speeding into my mind. 

I have begun to acknowledge that this is happening because social dynamics change. I can see that dependence and trust has shifted. I can see that the strength of a friendship builds more upon the level of comfort and chemistry that two people have, than on years of knowing one another. I can see that balance is absolutely vital in maintaining a healthy friendship. And one of the things I came to see, which was surprising even to myself as the realisation was dawning upon me, is that this currently evolving friendship started off imbalanced. The intention to get acquainted was offered by one person, and the offer was accepted by the other person. And I think the key word here is 'offered'. The friendship started off as an acceptance of an offer. In my particular case, that is an imbalanced start because there was more want in one person than in the other. And in my particular case, that imbalance has always remained. It was just not something we were aware of because...nothing happened. Nothing happened to trigger that reality into awareness, until recently when I realise that the dynamics of this friendship has changed. The want, the dependence, and the trust that once existed is now placed upon another individual, and now the imbalance has to go somewhere. It came to me, manifested in the form of anger and annoyance at every little thing related to that friendship which does not happen the way I want it to. Precisely for that reason, I admit I have yet to learn how to deal with this change graciously.

I do wonder if I am just putting too much thought into what's happening to this friendship, if there actually isn't anything happening. But the anger and annoyance are too real for me to ignore and brush aside as a by-product of thoughts I conjured up. From speaking out random thoughts to attempts at getting together to do what I think would be fun, conversations somehow always end up with me throwing out insinuations that I am not happy with how things are. It's pathetic, watching myself flailing around for some sort of reassurance that the dynamics of the friendship never changed. It's embarrassing, listening to myself fishing around for recognition that I am still the friend I thought I used to be. The friendship started out imbalanced, remained imbalanced, dynamics changed, the imbalance had to be resolved somewhere, it came to me, I took it in, and am now making a fool out of myself.

As much as I hate to admit it, I also think this all just points back to selfishness. I want things the way they used to be because I am comfortable with what was. I am angry and annoyed because I want to insinuate that I am not pleased. I am trying to seek for some kind of reassurance and recognition because I want to show that I am still a capable friend. It is unhealthy, but unfortunately I have yet to learn to detach myself from these impulsive expressions.

I can't tell how long this may take, or what would happen along the way, but I do hope that I find the calmness to treat this friendship with more respect than it has been receiving from me.

Colours & Furry Bits - The Ride is Here!

Yup, this is how I want my string of time to be. All ready to ride on exploration, discovery, and constant learning.

Happy 2013, all!

Riding Along (& Looking Back)

It's the last day of the year already. And to think my last post here was almost a year ago, when 2012 was still in all its freshness. As I sit here writing this post, my immediate self feels like nothing much has really happened throughout the year. Everything seems to be very much like how it was. But "how it was" depends on the time reference my immediate self is making, and that time reference is usually one that is close to now - maybe yesterday, a week ago, a month ago. For obvious reasons, if that's the time reference I'm making, nothing would seem to have changed much, no major transformation or life-changing experience would be perceived to have happened. So I tweak my view a little, almost as if I'm viewing my year as a timeline of small blocks of events from a further looking point - and I suddenly see so much. From watching friends leave and having them back, to knowing new people and forming friendships with them. From humble attempts at producing creative work to an absolutely fulfilling period delving into research, and other little events throughout the year, which all lead to the here and now.

The thing is, seeing life in such a way - in an almost playback kind of way - is not natural for me. I need to actually remind myself that things have happened prior to where and who I am at this moment, and that these things have probably happened quite some time ago to not be present for my immediate and automatic retrieval. Instead, what's natural is to tunnel in on recent events and to perceive the whole year based on that one road in that tunnel, with everything else blurred at the periphery. And I think that's because of how time moves for me (maybe for some others too). Time creates a very slow-moving story plot. So slow that events are so interwoven with each other that they are indistinguishable as single happenings. The closest analogy I can think of is this - different streams, rivers, waterfalls (and other types of water bodies) all ultimately combine to form oceans, which in turn form earth's one massive body of water. Small life events happen in such a fluid way that they all fall along one string of time. Because of the fluidity of events and the interconnectedness between them, I don't feel a sudden switch in how things are in life. Events dissolve into, or sometimes integrate with, other events, and soon enough, my memory immediately recalls only those which fall more recently along the string of time.

While that sounds unfortunate, I mean the contrary. I think this fluidity allows life to not be a drama. I would probably catch on very badly if my life was a drama. Separate scenes in separate episodes which each tell one distinct part of a story plot - probably wouldn't settle very well with my need for a slower pace and a calmer progression of events. So I'm thankful for time. Simply because with it, life flows. And because there is such a flow, because events dissolve into, or integrate with, other events, I get to heal gently from mistakes and hurts, and I get to be transformed slowly as a person. I think that's the ideal way for living. Because then I can really "go with the flow" and "take things one at a time". Time gives me the privilege to do that.

If there is a downside to this "mechanism", however, it may be that I tend to lose sight of some important events, just because it fell earlier along the string of time, a point which my memory does not readily access. But then again, it is precisely because of the way time works that I would find the occasional opportunity to reflect - to watch the playback of my living, to view my very own story. In turn, that becomes a reminder to me about how exciting life actually has been, and how much I've actually picked up along the way - be it lessons, skills, friends, fond or not-so-fond memories. And more often than not, that's what I (and perhaps many of us) need - reminders. For me, reminding myself about past events helps me view life outside of myself. For that moment, I would not be seeing life as my immediate self, rather I would be an audience of my own story's playback. And that's precious because I get a glimpse of how I have chosen to ride along time's string, which is something I'm blind to when perceiving life only as my immediate self. So in a way, time has it all figured out. It enables me to progress through life comfortably and smoothly, AND it gives me the opportunity to look back and kind of write my own "performance appraisal". As I ride along with the fluidity of life into another year, I am thankful for perhaps the only constant thing in this world - Time.

Thinking about the possible events put forth by 2013, I think I'm heading for a very exciting and soul-enriching ride. However, I'm fully aware that the ride would turn out so only if I make the effort for it to be so. If there is anything I've learned about time, it is that prospects are one thing, and reality is another. The only way prospects can be transformed into reality is through volition and determination (and probably through some cosmic help e.g. the magical realm of coincidences). So this I tell myself: I see an exciting ride, and I want to make this ride exciting through better and more appreciative use of time. I'm pretty sure as I ride along that certain worth-remembering events would be shrouded by more recent ones, but I strive to ride in such a way that when I do set myself apart to watch my story's playback, I see a colourful string of time with furry bits jutting out along the line - a beautiful mess. =)

Toasting to the end of 2012 and tapping into 2013!

To Your P.O. Box

If my emotions are each a living character on stage, expressing themselves in their rawest nature, I reckon my audience would be watching in a state of perplexity and utter confusion. For even I could not fathom the workings of my own emotions.

A dear friend of mine has left for a place oceans away from where I am. Unwillingness first took centre stage and all I had in mind was how I could possibly deal with his absence. But Realisation woke me up to the inevitability of his leaving and so gradually, Willingness, in its tiny measly form, attempted to take the lead. And this was when the other characters conjured themselves, some aiding Willingness to a stronger stance, some hampering Willingness from showing its full form. Excitement and Joy was always at the sides of the stage, portraying my wish for my friend to have a fresh beginning and a discovery-filled journey in a land that he has always wanted to be in. Yet on the opposite side of the stage, Selfishness and Fear occupied my mind with thoughts of how I would cope, how I would feel. It was a tug-of-war of emotions. Time passed and eventually, my friend took off, now with his feet set on a land far, far away from here. And as if by magic, with the arrival of my friend at where he is now, Selfishness and Fear disappeared, leaving only Excitement and Joy to hoist Willingness up. Unwillingness disappeared too, and the stage is now bathed in complete excitement for my friend's exploration of a new place and his new life, in utter joy for his finally walking on the lands of his desire, and in genuine willingness to let him off from familiar surroundings back here. It was almost like a flick of switch that turned off the spotlight on that which is negative and to have all lights focus on the positive. I cannot understand how emotions could turn on and turn off in such a way, but I digress. That which is most important here is that my friend is in a good place, with exciting prospects of a renewed life, and there is only reason to celebrate. He would only be away for half a year, but I am confident that this not-too-long yet not-too-brief duration would be his learning experience. And boy, am I excited for him!

To my dear friend,

There really is only reason to celebrate. The moment I reckoned you have touched down and set foot on the grounds of your dreamed land, I realised that in so many ways, life for you will only grow to be more fulfilling day by day. What used to be bitterness about your leaving has now transformed into shared excitement and joy. And I am truly, truly thankful because I can now think about your presence there rather than your absence here. I learn that it is more valuable to acknowledge the wonderful things you would encounter and learn, than to dwell on yours having left here. So go ahead and experience. An exciting path is set before you, and you are free to travel upon it. What an opportunity! Life is treating you fine, dear friend, and I am happy that you are embracing it. Be refreshed, be excited, and most of all, be present to the awesomeness that you are immersed in right now! Have bucket loads of fun being rejuvenated by life once more - happy discovering!

From seven hours ahead, with love,
Your constant friend =)

You and Your Light, I with Mine. Rise and Shine!

Sunshine, here I come!

May you, I, and everyone have bucket loads of fun on our journeys of discovering our sunshine and shining it through the leaves of each other's lives.

Happy 2012!

Reparation at Plateau

There is so much to be fixed. While I am constantly repairing, or rather, attempting to repair, that which I perceive to be broken, the pieces do not seem to bind. Sometimes they do, but their fragile nature renders them highly susceptible to repeated breakage, very often caused by the unstable kaleidoscope of emotions. Within that cylindrical container that holds its own tiny world of colourful possibilities, there is, I reckon, a constant struggle in attempting to keep the colours in check. It is not that I do not try, but sometimes trying can be so easily over-ridden by the want to let the colours take their own swing and to draw the image that would be viewed - even if the colours stem from such triviality and immaturely nonsensical thoughts. Indulgence may bring sweet pleasure but in certain circumstances, indulgence brings one back to where they started from - a jumble of broken pieces, mended again and again. It is a monotonous cycle of reparation and breakage, catalysed by the weakness of my feeble mind.

But a feeble mind and a foolishly delicate heart cannot be the master of my self. To dwell within the nooks and crannies of self-indulgence is pathetic.

To the Higher One above,
A constant heart, that which is sought,
For tire have I, in indulgence, been caught.
Your guidance and light, I pray is brought,
Feebleness be taken, I ask, from the good lot.

Repairing.

Circle of Confusion

I try to put forth who I wish to be and who I think I am in front of other people, in my relationships, in my communication, in every other social situation. In a way, sometimes the person I am in the eyes and understanding of another individual is not who I genuinely am. And by trying to be who I want to be, I am also conditioning myself to think and accept that who I want to be is who I am. I suppose it is an unconscious process. I say unconscious because at times it takes reflection and retrospection to realise that I actually was not entirely comfortable being that person I was. And when I am not comfortable, it could very possibly mean that I was being someone I actually am not. Perhaps that is a rather superficial way of perceiving self-identity but I will digress on this matter. Simply because I am still learning.

The irony is, by being what I wish and think I am (which means not being entirely me), I have also unconsciously showed parts of myself which I intended to hide, by portraying myself as the person I desire and reckon to be. So this portrayal of identity that I adopt really is a circle within which I fumble around in search of myself. And because I have not given myself liberty from that circle, I wonder how many people that I have come to know and become acquainted with have been pulled along into my own confusion of who I truly am. I was confronted by one today and to be absolutely frank, it gave me a heavy heart. Not because of the unconscious unveiling of a layer of me that I had rather left masked, but because of the fact that I have unconsciously betrayed the expectations of an individual. I was trying to be a friend that I want to be, but in the end, I became an acquaintance who did not understand enough, who showed her true colours. And to think that I have left an impression of such nature, it just loads my heart with guilt, dissatisfaction, and disappointment - heavy heart.

P.S Thanks to a talented pair of strangers (whom I have only got to know) who made wonderful music together at an unexpected time and place, the weight of my heart was taken off a little. The absolute wonders of music.

There is so much more I need to pay attention to.
There is so much more for me to learn.
There is so much more for me to discover, and that includes who the genuine me really is.

Always learning.